Jacquie finally marries Alexander, and JP/Craig's storyline finally enters phase 3. At the wedding reception in The Dog, JP comes across some down with it, funky kickass tunes, and is drawn to the DJ pumping out the creamy stuff. A mix of the DJ and the music and before long he is buying DJ Spike drinks and inviting him along to watch him play in the Loft....
JP is obviously smitten, and the next time they meet his face lights up. He can’t help but swoon and picture what might be, as Spike outwits Justin’s big man act, complete with cheeky wink. Sexy. The lads go into town and spend the afternoon shopping for music LP’s.
They retire to The Dog for a drink where the boys come out to one another. Then, as you do, they talk about the gorgeous Sawyer out of "LOST",
why not Charlie?? They have obvious sexual chemistry, which is something JP and Craig, and anyone else for that matter, have never shared with JP, so it’s a genuine treat to see this side of his personality...
It’s not long before Hannah (both of them) rears her smite-able head. She invites herself around to JP’s to revise, once they are in his room, she, as well as we, are shocked to see his new redesign, complete with clichéd Brokeback Mountain posters, and naked men in porno poses, although if we are in high brow land today, one would call them “tasteful works of art”. JP is now very, very gay. Hannah talks; JP stands in front of the mirror and preens himself, later he asks, all self-conscious, if his shirt looks OK. Dear oh dear, what’s going on!? (Unbelievable it’s taken to this point to see how totally brilliant James and Emma are together, kudos to both) JP wishes he could be more like Spike, be more confident. Hannah doesn’t agree, and neither do we, adorable JP is much nicer than cocky tw*t.
JP and Hannah go to The Dog for a drink where they bump into Spike . Sinister Hannah goes home to plot her next move, while JP and Spike go for a quick dinner at L’ Nosh and chat away about Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives, *sighs* goad we so wanna be there right now. At this point Spike goes way down in likeability and up comes Mr Slime; he confounds JP with some smooth talking and adds a peck on the cheek to seal the deal, wham bam thank you mam, he has JP right where he wants him. With evil intent coming from so many sides we are getting seriously worried about our protagonist…
It's the following day and overnight Spike and JP have arranged a proper date. Sarah is with Hannah in the village; she is teasing Hannah about her imaginary boyfriend “Mattie”, which she cooked up to make JP jealous. For obvious reasons it hasn’t worked and now she is lumped with some fake boyfriend baggage which comes complete with a ridiculous name. Honestly Hannah, "Mattie"!?
A little later they meet JP, he tells Hannah it’s his and Spikes first proper date tonight. She finds out where and smiles, the evil glint flashes in her eyes as she boils up another plan.
Later Hannah's plan starts to come together as she tells Sarah she needs to get over JP and suggests they have a big slutty night out at The Dog, complete with OTT eyeliner and mascara to make their eyes look extra shifty. Sarah happily agrees, oblivious to Hannah’s plan assuming it will just be another normal night out.
JP is late for the date, but when he arrives Spike flirts a bit with JP, who laps it up. The door opens and in comes two cat walk models. Sarah and Hannah have arrived. Hannah embeds herself into JP and Spike, and for the entire night becomes a third wheel. Towards the end of the evening Hannah stops Spike handing JP a drink “It makes him chuck up!” Spike in a stroppy mood says he needs to go. He’s left the iron on. Hannah's grinning away like the cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland, Spike goes to Leave. JP grabs him near the door and asks if they can do it again, just the two of them. Spike says he doesn’t know and exits The Dog...
Fast forward to the next day and we find JP pondering over the issue of whether he should ring Spike or not. Evil Hannah and Sarah turn up, Hannah persistently bitches about Spike; “What a loser!”, “So full of himself!”, “Such a sig fig!” JP raw about the whole, Ex -Girlfriend-ruins-first-gay–date thing tries to let Hannah’s comments slide, he did after all use the girl and then dump her for boys, that’s bound to cause a guilt complex in anyone. It’s not long before the comments become too much even for guilt ridden JP and he snaps at her. Evil Hannah in a huffy strop screams out she will leave JP alone from now on, and exits in a flurry of flapping bats with a swimming water fan chasing after her. Unfortunately this witch doesn’t mind water all that much (remember when the Klutz “fell” into the lake to get JP into her, bed) and she lives to fight another day, but for the moment she is gone, which is the next best thing to melting. Right?
A nice twist of fate mixed with some clever storytelling and its Craig’s turn to finally defend JP against the vile Sonny, and with Swimmy and Evil Han out of the picture JP is left alone with Craig… The boys exchange small talk, its not long before the fight is brought up, (and eager beavers will know that’s how their friendship ended, so its important stuff this) Craig points out he did say sorry and it wasn’t like JP didn’t fight back. JP is forced to agree and his burning hate for Craig dispels in an instant, leaving only a cold frost. Craig suggests they go back to being friends. JP concurs. See how things go he says…
The day starts off with JP having a predictive dream about Spike, who as usual is shown wearing the same stuff he is always wearing does he ever change his clothes??? A little later and Craig comes a calling, Craig’s a bit rude and didn’t ring/text ahead so he arrives to find shirtless JP doing crazy eye sit ups, complete with sweat and eye roll.
JP gets dressed and Craig in good faith invites JP to a DJ competition at The Dog later that night. Spike will be there he is told, and JP reveals all about him and Dog Boy to Craig, who looks semi pleased when JP gets to the part about being dumped. Hmmm curious.
JP and Craig leave the house and stubble across Hannah and Sarah, weirdness happens and before long Hannah is suddenly the victim again and JP is apologising for the previous night! For the 3rd night running they make plans to go to The Dog, 3rd night running Hannah plots away, and 3rd night running Evil Hannah ends up leaving completely defeated. Time to give up girl, and face facts, he’s gay. But before that, plenty of eventful stuff happens between arranging the meeting and Hannah stalking off.
At The Dog, Spike is setting up; Hannah is shooting him death glares and bitching about him to Sarah and Craig. Sarah likes him and even Craig seems to think he is good for JP. JP arrives and snuggles up with Hannah totally BFF. Spike and JP play their sets, then go to the loo. Outside in the corridor the boys have a charged and sparking conversation, before long smooth- operator- same- clothes- Spike moves in for the kill, except he is so good vocally, its actually JP who instigates the kiss. Back in the bar Spike is announced the winner, but he isn’t around to collect his award, where is he? Outside sucking face is where! Hannah, Craig and Sarah stagger out of the Hobbit Style Dog door, and spot the two boys. Hannah once again rages off, Swimmy goes running after her, and Craig… well Craig stands there in the shadows watching… (we don't blame him, do you?)
The next day very little happens except JP kisses Spike, and Spike kisses JP, and then they kiss each other, and kiss some more. Sometimes standing up, sometimes on JP's bed and even in the village in front of everyone. It's beyond sucktastic its Snogfest 2007!!
The boring stuff; Craig buys him and JP tickets to see The Scratch Perverts shortly after its shown to the viewer he isn't overly keen on gig's (He yawns during a music conversation previously), there are four of them in their group, two tickets isn't enough. Aww. Get over it, more kissing please!)
Later that night in The Dog Craig attempts to pick multiple fights with Spike much to JP’s annoyance. After an hour or so, Sarah comforts him and he reveals that he misses JP and feels JP wont need him anymore. Sarah snuggles around him and before long Craig is OK with JP, Spike and the current situation.
After several long and lonely JPless weeks he along with Craig, Sarah and Hannah all return as the foursome we either love or hate. We find a cheeky JP trying to buy a gay magazine from Drive and Buy (and its not Attitude), but he is spotted by Hannah and her imaginary boyfriend Mattie that dude just doesn’t know when to get lost, how embarrassing. *Swoony Alert* JP looks mighty fine, as well as a tad brown, Hannah and Sarah look the same, and Craig has a new hair cut for any Mattie fans; he is still as transparent as ever.
Yackety Yack yack, the gang are soon sitting around revising Twelfth Night, it sounds a bit like a Japanese RPG full of strange and wonderful names on a mission to save the world. *Wipes a reminiscent tear away*, a modern day text from Spike turns JP all giggly, Sarah and Hannah join in while Craig becomes Mr Sullen once more. He wants to revise not talk about boys! Three verse one and its not long before Hannah, Sarah and JP are gossiping about Spike; JP is worried he will be crap in bed and Spike will know its his first time with a lad, cue revolted look from Mr Dean. Pretty soon Craig has had enough and in a JP copycat hissy fit storms off. The trio decide to leave Craig to cool down and agree to revise some more. But it’s fair to guess they will be revising Spike rather than Orsino and Viola.
The following day and revision is still topic of the day but add to that mix, a sexual man who wants to do JP. Yup Spike returns today. Before long Spike has scored an invitation to JP’s house later that afternoon. For the rest of the morning we see JP fret away about Spike with his good friend Hannah, Craig blows off sex with Sarah, who wants to do it on the living room sofa (UGH!), on the pretence of stress.
Spike comes around and JP is able to clear everyone out of the house so they can be alone. Phew, such hard work just to get laid. When it comes to it JP is a little scared, Spike wants him to relax, kisses him gently, smiles reassuringly, and suddenly JP is doing the infamous soap sex scene of silent grabbing of hand and taking upstairs to the bedroom. But this is Hollyoaks so we get an addition bedroom scene of JP taking off his shirt and some more kissing. So so so racy. Mike Barnes then supposedly drops dead on a pile of sand while our lads have sex. Um... OK.
The next morning at breakfast JP is glowing with Spike loving, nosy mum Myra tries to dig up gossip, but ends up empty handed. Later that morning JP catches Carmel and Alek almost doing it on the loving room sofa, Sarah yesterday and Carmel today! Seriously is it just me who finds the thought of doing it in such a public place, plain wrong?
So JP knows about the whole McQueen secret love and cant decide what to do about it. Alek after a shower, and pretty much naked, goes into his room to ask him to shut his face. Myra is listening in, how dare she! She assumes JP and Alek are having it away, and goes mental at Alek/Carmel/Jaquie/JP. Before long everything comes rushing out and everyone knows about everything.
The gang are in the pub celebrating completing their first A-level exam, some feat especially as A-levels don’t start in the rest of the country for a few more weeks at least, still this is Chester, The Village of Non Continuality. They chat about stuff like JP saying he is thinking of staying in Chester and going to HCC next year, Hannah likes this idea far too much, leaving us to conclude evil Hannah is back plotting wayyyyyy into the future. Spike turns up and plonks a big sloppy one on JP, he apparently has beer flavour chapstick on although personally always felt the McQueen’s were Lush fans. Craig and Hannah look revolted. (So does Jake Dean but he is a nasty homophobiam so *sticks tongue out at him*)
Later at the bar, Hannah is licking her lips and doing a spot of eye rape over her shoulder at JP, Spike notices and leans nice and close and tells her to get lost, she is like a embarrassing rash that just wont go away (Spike’s bitchy words this time not ours!), Evil Hannah becomes venomous and spits out the secret about JP being in love with Craig. Later she sits there clicking her longer by the day nails against a glass, she is getting more like Tanya Turner everyday!
Spike flirts with another DJ behind JP’s back until Craig marches over and says he is out of order, Go Craig, go Craig. JP comes to investigate and gets a gob full of Spike’s fury; Craig is scared and runs off back to Sarah. JP and Spike battle it out, Spike is fuming that JP doesn’t tell him things (like fancying his best mate), JP shrugs it off says it was in the past and Spike is the first and only person he feels this way about. He looks momentarily stunned but in an awfully cruel way says, “That’s pretty serious. I don’t do serious” and puts his headphones back on. Spike is 12 stone (or 170 pounds to our US readers) of bitch!
Now if I were JP might start crying at this point, but our Hero doesn’t give up so easily, he starts shouting at a deaf Spike. Well that doesn’t work at all. JP then goes around him and pulls the plug on the headphones; Spike gets the red eye of evilness and screams; “If you ever do that again and I’ll floor you!!” it looks like he is going to punch JP’s lights out, but instead he grabs him around the back of the head and seriously, and we mean seriously, sucks face. Total shock snog so sexually charged, no time to even utter “get a room boys” make room on that pool table. NOW!!!!
Spike and JP probably do it that night, maybe more than once. Twice, thrice even Hopefully not on the pool table in front of everyone, pool table sex with all those balls and pointy cues shooting around isn’t something the regular Dog cliental would enjoy. But anyway we digress, the next day JP is fracked out and so him, “Spoke” and Craig make plans to go see “McNugget” (Well really M.C Nugget, but Craig is a bit of a DJ newbie so we’ll let him off) But Myra wants to meet the legendarily “Spoke” before hand and so forces JP to invite him round for some of her special sausage casserole.
Spoke is a bit of a brown noser, sucking up to Myra and Mercy and even dancing around to an S Club song. Craig doesn’t like it; it’s all too gay for the lad. Working in a cheesy pub you’d expect him to be used to it, but oh well his loss; he leaves the McQueen’s with JP and Spike cuddled up on the sofa laughing their heads off looking at butt naked baby pictures of JP wearing pink headbands.
The fateful day arrives, May 16th 2007, and its time for JP and Craig to frack each others brains out in a flurry of screaming passion, undeniable jealously, and a load of white creamy snot, think drive thru McDonald’s McFlurry but without the coldness and your get the idea.
Craig is in an exam busy scripting out “JP loves Spike” into his desk, this is very strange, but presumably it’s the only way the writers could let us know how Craig was feeling, the poor boy looks clearly deranged and being savaged by a severe bout of head lice. The scratching gets so bad he leaps up from his seat and rushes off to the McQueen’s for some serious relief.
But clever Hollyoaks is showing this episode in reverse, we travel back to earlier that morning when Craig, JP and Spike are all in The Dog, Craig seems to have Spike on his mind, and cant stop talking about him to both his girlfriend and his sister. As soon as Spike gets up from the table to go adjust himself, Craig runs over to JP and says he misses his friendship and wants to spend more time together, just the two of them. JP tactfully points out he has a boyfriend now who can satisfy him in more ways than a best friend can.
Suddenly its back to the exam room, and again Craig scratches his head like mad and again he rushes off to go see JP. By now the audience has been whipped into a frenzy and is ready for the climax, so we zoom in on JP and Craig having a heart to heart. Craig is a total mess, crying and snorting snot all over the place, it’s a little gross but, this is real emotion complete with the physical stuff so we’ll allow it. We also notice a subtle Sex In The City Joke calendar “Men are like Taxis…” although perhaps it would have been better, in an ironic sense, to run with “Men are like buses…”.
JP reveals that Spike has warned him away from hanging out with Craig, and soon an argument follows which ends with JP saying that mates don’t get jealous of boyfriends! Craig doesn’t deny it, and for the first time JP starts to click what’s going on…. The next few bits are some truly stunning acting scenes, no jokes or crude comments here. Craig is honest, JP is honest. They have honest sex, but not before JP gets a consensual nod from Craig.
For the third time in 6 months another virgin cherry is smushed into JP’s french style bed. Ooh la la.
During afterglow Craig becomes cat like and hisses out “Faggot” when JP tries to caress him. Craig also wears nasty straight mans underwear; clearly demonstrating to the viewer he isn’t a true gayer!
The morning after and its clear neither JP or Craig got much sleep last night, even though the pair didn’t spend it together. Craig is Mr Frenzy for most of the day, feeling confused most likely, he cant decide quite what to do about his new found feelings, the transition from straight to gay man overnight doesn’t look exactly pleasant. Its not long before he starts to have Hannah’s problem, terrifying visions of Evil Camp JP and Evil Skank Sarah laughing and joking about how everyone knew he was gay except him. Later outside The Dog, JP catches up to him and tries to talk, Craig tells him he is filth, JP says he loved every second of it, shows us Craig is a bit of a moaner, Craig denies it all and tells JP to stay away from him.
JP meanwhile is having quite a nice day, other than having to stop Spike having his wicked way with him by putting on some clothes (You cant be mad at Spike for that, a semi naked JP in the morning would get anyone going right?) he only has to worry about his impending exam. Good Boyfriend Spike, starting to live up to his dog name, even meets him for lunch, and offers to walk him home. But JP has Craig on his mind and only Craig, fobbing Spike off he goes and finds Craig outside The Dog where he receives his orders to stay away…
Unlike Aftermath Part One and Aftermath Part Two this is the first time JP has come out of it all looking strong and mighty without the tears, just goes to show how people can be much more stable when they are happy with who they are.
Next day and its clear psycho Craig got the sleep he needed because today he seems much more sane, less red eye and a normal style of walking has also been resumed. He goes full throttle at trying to get Sarah back, chatting her up, sucking up (metaphorically), and telling her blatant fibs. Working his charms its not long before Sarah melts her faux shield completely and they are soon going out again. Busy, busy. Living a straight life is well complicated!
It’s easier for JP, awake and just out of a shower he finally decides to change the sodden sheets from his and Craig’s loving two nights ago. Ew. So gross. On his way to the washing machine Spike comes around, JP is cold. So, so cold to him. Spike desperate to get warm attempts to leave but is stopped by JP having a sudden change of heart and landing him a huge eyes closed snog. Spike stays and they have sex once (or maybe more) on JP’s, now clean, bed sheets (Errr this relationship based on sex rather than talk, is starting to feel oddly familiar…).
Later the lads go to… The SU bar, FINALLY one more Dog Scene and I’d be ripping my hair out. Craig and Sarah are there making up, as soon as Sarah says things are OK again, the Craig we know and, some of you possibly, love is back, he goes and buys everyone drinks.
At the bar JP starts to tell Craig it’s OK to be gay. Unfortunately for JP, Craig with the help of the Borg Collective (turns out they weren’t totally defeated by Voyager’s “Endgame” after all) has traveled back in time and somehow rewritten history, with utter conviction he denies ever going to bed with JP and struggles to remember the last time he even went around to JP’s house! JP immune to the timeline changes looks mighty confused, but Craig meanwhile has never looked happier. He’s got his Sarah back!
After several seemingly never ending loooooong weeks JP and Craig return, in truth it’s all a bit anti climatic but serves to stroke us eager fans back into a frenzy. Craig is wearing green stripes albeit still on his trademark polo’s, looking to hook up with his darling Sarah and go away somewhere hot, where they wont need clothes and can just sex each other day after day after day, for Craig this idea is totally mantastic. Meanwhile JP is quite happy to stay put in Chester and do some mantastic killing of his own with his jacket and bright piecing blue eyes, which literally causes you to suffer a mini heart attack. But death by crushing is so cruel, so he invites Craig for a kick around in the park, seeing as JP actually has no friends, it’s obviously some one on one fun JP is after. Craig correctly recognise the park truly encourages ball games and quickly refuses JP’s offer of a “kick around” and goes to Sarah’s for couply fun planning sexcapades in some far off country.
Rhys Ashworth (Hannah’s Bro and Darren fan idol) can no way be considered homoblivious as he rattles Craig’s cage in the village, by questioning his mantastic actions of late. Later at the dog he spots Sarah and JP deep in a hushed conversation and stealing a glance at JP’s man killing eyes he suffers the dreaded heart attack effect (J-Pups), hyperventilating he hides behind a supporting pillar until he recovers. He makes his way to the table and starts to unravel the gay secret to Sarah in his own fumbling way. JP shuts him up with another direct eye gaze and all is good. Craig comes over all straight man and kisses his darling Sarah, JP looks livid.
The following week JP is still busy trying to work out who Craig really likes. Sarah is away with Hannah at the photo shoot for Ripple, she later shouts at Craig on the phone asking if he thinks she is fat. Craig is suddenly deaf and doesnt answer, Hannah shouts louder and louder and her voice get's all scary deep like; "Ammm Iiii Faaaattt??".
Ho hum, JP confronts Craig again, who is soon about to confess his undying love for his best friend when Spike comes a cropper and get's in the way. Finally the day ends with Craig having a good old stare at a photo showing him, JP and Sarah all matey, the lad just canny chose what he wants more; a naked and primed JP or a naked and primed Sarah. Hmm tough choice.
Days later and Craig STILL can’t pick, although he does a good job in trying to drive Sarah away, (with his paranoid fantasy’s about her gay friend Freddie making a move on her) when she gatecrashes his date with JP. All very tame, until JP goes up to Craig’s flat and they have another one of those repetitive talks;
“You need to be honest Craig!”,
“Ahhhhhhh I’m going nuts here, cant decide if I want more nuts fun or some more of my usual. You know I’m just gonna have both until I can decide, because I'm greedy and a very horny man”
JP get’s angry and pushes Craig, Craig pushes JP, after some more foreplay they then lock eyes and it’s all one big mutual eye rape. Before it’s actual nuts naughtiness on the sofa, JP notices some vile yellow looking half moon shaped things covered in white gunk UGH! (In truth Sarah was pigging out on a salad and Darren was clipping his toenails there earlier that morning, what a turn OFF) JP runs off.
After a shocking few days of appallingly repetitive storytelling the writers finally decide to move things along. Obviously they had to stall the storyline while Spike got a new makeover, he now looks very refined, with sleek new eyebrows, straight spiky hair, and either a complete or semi removal of that homosexual goatee he had going on, in other words he looks more of a gayer than ever before. We like it a lot!
The lad is needed because its his and JP’s two month anniversary, which Spike has insisted on celebrating. Beyond cute! *everyone goes Awww* unfortunately for loved up Spike, JP doesn’t like him in the same way anymore, and runs off as soon as Craig calls. Craig is given something to think about when JP tells him to mush off after a “bestest mates” hug.
Later JP decides to strip off and play with his thingy, he is pulling away at it when Craig bursts into his room with this inane “OMG I’ve seen the light!” grin plastered over his face. JP is obviously shocked and annoyed, after all who likes to be interrupted when they are playing with their sweet music-making machine. He tries to usher Craig out, but Craig just snogs him to death, music making is always more fun with two people so JP quickly snogs back, and before long the boys are rolling around the room doing all kinds of music related things. Gosh it’s all getting quite steamy and exhausting. JP falls into a deep sleep while snuggling up to his first true love, it’s well romantic until Craig gets his guilt face on and slinks off...
Craig loves looking at his hands the next morning, he was certainly grabbing at something last night, be it arse cheek or something stiff and pointy. But damn! In all the fun he has misplaced his watch. The watch however is safely with a smitten JP who takes way to much pleasure in strapping it on himself. Although you have to smile when you see Mr Sunshine, complete with happy grins and a bright new stripy hooded top (see picture above) it’s contagious, our hero is in L.O.V.E.
Craig meanwhile tries a new tactic with JP and asks to be his bit on the side in the classic “I like bum fun with men, but am entirely straight” rubbish. JP refuses but they both know it’s going to happen that way no matter what either of them say.
Should we feel sorry for either of them? Technically, both are cheating on someone they claim is “special” when that is obviously not the case anymore. Both JP and Craig are being spineless jerks, so no sympathy from us at the moment. Not to mention they can have loads of sex with two different people, how in the world are that many orgasms for just two people fair??
That night Craig dreams about his beloved JP. They snuggle and spoon each other; JP’s morning glory raises a semi conscious smile in Craig as it prods and pokes. He turns over to see his new boyfriends face and gets a load of sexy snoring Sarah instead.
JP is still a bit clunky that Craig wants to have two people on the go, and rightly so!, so later when Craig asks why not, JP says one day soon he wont be able to bury his feelings for Craig, and not caring what anyone else thinks will just kiss him. Openly and proudly. When Craig says he had better not JP gets shouty and orders him out of his house.
They each spend the night alone thinking constantly about the other and how much they want to be with each other, the heart of it is all very romantic and sweet, but totally dysfunctional for everyone involved. We predict more crying and snot before long.
The guys are back, after many weeks of hard hard revising and lots of risqué secret liaisons, so secret not even WE The fanatical viewers got to watch, how mean. Well, actually it would seem the boys had been avoiding each other so we haven't missed much at all. Although JP says it hasn't exactly helped things, not sure what their thinking was, after all absence makes the heart grow fonder (Yes an old and used to death clique but precise!). In the lobby of the SU bar JP cant let go of Craig's new birthday watch a gift from Sarah, blatantly he doesn't want to let go of Craig's hand, and lots of lusty looks are exchanged as he tries to hint what he wants that hand to do. It's all rather cute and sweet in a doomed sort of way...
Oooh today Sarah wants to introduce Craig to her fancy showbiz friends; Evan and Melissa, complete with air kissing and talk about casual sex. JP is described as; “Gay but really cool” plenty cool Sarah, plenty cool. JP could be a model Melissa thinks, well duh!
Blushing JP makes a polite excuse and leaves, Sarah completes the classic Romeo and Juliet irony with her saying JP is "a really good mate". Craig legs it after JP and the boys bicker again about being fake, fakes, and mates. Craig tells JP he loves him, its not just sex, its LOVE, with big bold blue letters LOVE!
JP says it's either him or Sarah. Some kissy fun and nose rubbing as Craig knows its JP he wants to spend the rest of his life with etc etc, damn its far to hot for seven in the evening. Upstairs for some physical loving. Once again during the afterglow the boys are half dressed, WHY??? and why such a bizarre choice of clothes, today its JP in his shirt. Sarah rings Craig, the ringing phone is ignored which pleases JP muchly.
The dreaded “R” word rears its ugly head once more the following day, but a perfect excuse for some school boy lusting and eye raping over the dull text books, and then some hand holding and fondling. JP gets flashy green eyes when he feels that Craig isn't truly his, and they agree to dump Spike and Sarah so they can be together “honestly”. It's not very pleasant to watch this next bit, it's genuinely pretty sad, as a Very-keen-on-JP Spike gets dumped. Who in turn looks utterly gutted.
(JP looks more beautiful than normal today folks). It's exam day and Sarah cant stop bragging about moving to Dublin with Craig. Enter the angst. Just after that; enter the vomit bucket, a truly horrendous scene which features one of the Hannah's in a white jacket covered in rankus slime. Nancy looks shocked and asks if she has been sick, Hannah quickly retorts back with a sharp “No!”, although by this point everyone can smell and see the stench over the lovely white jacket. It's all pretty “Boy is my face red!” as she notices everyone is staring at the carrotie mess and she struggles to get it off. Rankus!
Later JP is furious that Craig hasn't finished things with Sarah although he has dumped Spike like planned. Craig worms himself off the hook and promises to do it soon...
Sarah makes her début in the legendary Hollyoaks Lads mag; Ripple, she is everywhere; on posters stuck to walls, bus shelters and pretty much anywhere you look, as she breezes about the village. Craig goes through the motions as he waits for the right moment to dump unaware Sarah. JP spots her crying and goes to comfort her, once more a tingle of guilt reaches us, while we are rooting for JP and Craig to get together it's inevitable there are going to be casualties along the way, Spike the other day, and Sarah's doomsday is inching ever closer... but not today, as JP tells Craig to go to Sarah, not to dump her but to
pleasure support her. Sarah reveals she is happy with what she has, and she doesn't need a modeling career... *gulps* We are starting to feel
So some times passes, we presume John-Paul broods a bit more, has some alone time with his Craig fantasy's and does boy things. Meanwhile he preps for his sisters double wedding, the loving brother gets to give his sisters away, cute and sweet rolled into a Swiss roll of uber darlingness = the JP we see grinning up the aisle arm in arm with his older sisters.
Some days later and JP is walking along when he is pestered by his Ex aka Spike/Spoke in a spooky scarecrow style shirt. As friends they trot off for a drink at the local watering hole; i.e. the ever gleaming SU bar. It's truly sparkling today, and there is lots of shy looks, as Spike is naturally still besotted/intoxicated with the lad (Its called McqueenPJ EDT £45 from your local JPfan club, actually the picture is from LUSH/Bnever, and is called "Ladyboy" but it's how some of us think JP would smell), wish we could say the feeling was mutual from JP's side, because Spike is nicer to JP than Craig, and actually a damn sight nicer in a multitude of other ways too. But alas its almost untrue to admit, but JP leads Spike on in order to make Craig jealous!
Woops, not nice JP, not nice at all. *Smack*
In other news Hannah is slimming wayyyy down, obviously wanting to be the next Scarecrow when Spike's whole life, and point of being in Hollyoaks comes unraveled when JP's true feelings are made known to all... The countdown begins, and we go back to sniffing that Ladyboy cologne and dreaming of our JP's coming around and whisking us upstairs.
Hannah was evil, Hannah was good, Hannah is easily led. She is unhinged but overall her wicked plans never mounted to much, then along came a spider who sat down beside her and frightened Hannah away from her curds and JP. The spider is called Melissa and goad is she bad! Dressed in tin foil and frantic eyes full of vindictive hate, she is the classic villain from all the good VS bad style films. She weaves her sticky web and gets Sarah to split up with Craig! Pity for us JP/Craig fans, Craig officially confirms what some of us already knew. He has no guts
BALLS, jealous of JP when he is with someone else, but doesn't want him when the chance smacks him in the face. *Angry glare* So he gets back with her. *yawns*
The Rights to show Hollyoaks being brought by BBC America means some subtle changes to the way the show is written, which in this instances was done pretty badly. They decided to add in some spice and drama (Which is fine but only when it makes sense to do so) Jack tells JP that Craig and Sarah are leaving for the airport. JP's eyes go wide and he runs off to stop this terrible deed taking place, Craig see's the poor lad in his black sexy as FCUK shirt running after the taxi, and tells the driver to, well “drive on!”. Ooh dramatic you think. But 1) JP didn't even question why Sarah and Craig were together again, 2) Why was he running after Craig? What exactly was the point? 3) JP should have crunched up against a wall and cried because that's the stuff which melts our hearts, not run after a black London style taxi. It was just silly.
Ugh, JP is a moody bastard for most of the following week, his lover has spun him off for a romantic package holiday with his girlfriend, and touring Hollyoaks Community Collage is hardly the most exciting thing in the world, combine that with the company of Nancy who has extremely bad period pains and they just cant stop bickering. The final straw is pulled when JP is foul to Frankie and takes it out on Nancy who stalks off. Later JP writes one of those soap style voice over letters which he promptly posts into the Dog for the attention of his lovers mother. It's safe to say its not an apology, instead contains a wealth of information which would make Frankie more than likely want to burn her eyes out after reading.
Uh-oh mistake noted JP spends the rest of the following day trying to claw the letter back, difficult job, even harder than trying to break into a Gringots vault, so he enlists the help of Mr Spike, who loves playing games like these with JP. And low and behold, by the skin of his teeth gets it back.
Spike likes JP, and JP likes Spike, they bond a bit over some disc fishing and "Eat my Snake" albums after Spider-Mel decides to throw them into the pond like Frisbee's, (Her evil has no bounds or limits as she later torments Hannah into a Freudian frenzy by talking about hydrogenated fats. This honestly does happen! Hannah screams out in utter horror "No Melissa please, stop it!". Even though Mel is a total bitch, we can't help but smile every time she is on screen so funny! Like a bad guy from Doctor Who) Spike suggest keeping it all causal, and for a time JP goes along with it. But gets cold feet, meaningless stringless (or whatever you want to call it) sex doesn't really appeal to JP, and the watchful picture of Craig's photo in the rubbish bin seems to transmit guilty vibes. So they don't get back together, instead JP bides his time and does all he is able. Wait for his lover to return.
Craig comes back with Sarah and the pair are full of the delights of their package holiday. Craig was frisky so got himself and Sarah naked and then had pool fun. The lights came on and OMG! Caught. Pants down and something somewhere which was just rudeness! JP sits with a fake grin pasted to his face while Sarah recounts the tales of spontaneous holiday fun, Craig looks guilty. JP loves it. Sarah lops off after a bit leaving JP and Craig to bicker (Same old same old) soon Craig is back at JP's who tells him about the letter, and a ferocious McQueen fight almost follows. JP Calms it in time, and tells him he has had enough and wants to go back to being "John-Paul", the person he once was. Craig looks shocked... JP's given up, can/will Craig win him back?
Of course he does! With powers never shown before Craig makes an iron fall on JP's foot. Before long the hotness of the iron rubs off and the boys are at it' Oh my gosh!! Too much sexual energy and HAPPY, HAPPY Looks and smiles! It's too happy it's all perfect!
Happiness without the stupid “Y” follows for JP, as he and Craig are something of a couple, poor Hannah her date is like Mattie all over again, except this one doesn't even have a proper name! Instead all the fun means she has a funny turn and falls over, JP is very concerned when he hears that her and Melissa have been having some Sugar Rush style fun in the ladies bogs.
It's all forgotten the next day though cos Mr Dean is back! The boys have a MSN style convo first thing and plan their “lashings of ginger beer” Famous Five style morning. Loveliness. JP goes to call for Craig by throwing stones at his window and asking his love out. Craig has the legs for Juliet he tells everyone when Sarah turns up and catches them in the classic “Wherefore art thou Romeo"* moment.
Later Craig wants to spend time with "stutter boy" JP over Sarah snuggles, turning towards JP more fully perhaps? The boys have a very macho game of "Bunny Cricket" which quickly descends into lots of fumbling and touching and general pre watershed foreplay. Oooh foreplay. Nonetheless for some bizarre reason Jake decides to go around to JP's and drag Craig home, they are almost caught and in a complete “This is so wrong and I'm feeling very guilty” moment Craig and JP deny what they are...
JP is furious and lets Craig know again he wants him to “come out”, he was content to allow Craig to “pretend”, and who's to say that's not how he really does feel, but JP wants Craig to admit they are a couple. Craig is disgusted at the idea of people thinking he is gay. It's quite a shameful concept in reality, Craig obviously has no respect for himself or more importantly his boyfriend, if he takes so anti to accepting being gay isn't the end of the world. JP feels the same and storms off knocking chairs over. Ooh Chair-knockage. A tasty looking Spike outside gives a unmistakable “gay pride” message, by saying its normally other people (i.e. homophobics) who spoil their fun and he should just move on from it and forget it. Later his eyebrows go through The Dog's roof as he spots JP and Craig “make up”, making his Spike Sensors go into overdrive!
* Yes I do actually understand that line is potentially the most misunderstood line in the entire play and in its true context makes no sense whatsoever! Juliet is actually asking WHY is Romeo a Montague, because he is the one person she wont be allowed to “date”, she isn't actually asking “Where are you?”. Although you could say that Craig and JP could be happy and date if they weren't both guys. But that's not true, they can be gay and date anyway.
We finally arrive at the (possibly) penultimate chapter of the JP and Craig story, not long left now folks... Mostly Craig is a lazy student, and Jack is a skint flint bar man (there is no way he is paying the poor saps the minimum wage!), JP is reminded by Myra he will never have kids of his own “naturally”. Ouch. Later JP and Craig meet up and are almost tender in public, only Spike notices, upstairs in The Dog JP is very flirty and again we are treated to a sensual and engrossing erotic scene with JP wooing Craig into his bed... pity Jack walks in, and good lord that man can act! I actually thought he was having a stroke, shuffling around like he was being electrocuted and having a heart attack all at once (7:18 on our Timeline YouTube link).
Later Jack calls JP hot totty, phrooaw, the man's got taste as well. Errr, well he actually thought JP was Sarah, and that is rightfully kinda gross, calling his step's son's GF/BF “Hot Totty”. Sarah and Jack? JP and Jack? Ew. Double ew. Back to the point, Spike has worked it all out and wastes no time goading Craig about it, who just does that peculiar nose loud breathing thing he does.
Results Day! Hannah is on something drug like, they wrongly think, and Nancy tells her she looks terrible, which is true. JP is happy with his results he gets 3 B's and an A (in sociology no less) *pats on back* . Evil Hannah unloads some home truths. But who cares about evil Han? Everyone goes to a great no-bra-camp-dancing/music-drunken party at The Dog. It ends in carroty vomit. bloody students!
John Paul is proud of his grades, but he starts to realise that brain power is nothing compared to heart power i.e. love. The day revolves around JP accepting what he has with Craig might not be as solid or everlasting as he once thought. Firstly Spike teases Craig and makes him think Sarah will “some how” find out, Craig begs JP to get Spike to shut his mouth, he is ashamed to even touch JP because they are out in public. Secondly when JP asks Spike to keep zipped up, the truth unravels out of his own mouth. It becomes obvious to everyone that its becoming increasingly unlikely Craig will be able to give the things that JP needs; commitment, strength and above all a shared sexuality. Thirdly when it comes down to it, the perfect moment to tell Sarah the truth, JP there to provide support... Craig can't, and its John Paul himself who tucks the secret away... Fourthly when he is later comforting a pink Carmel about Alek leaving her, he mentions the need to be able to express fully the love you share for someone, and if you cant then its not really fair, and Finally he turns back to see Sarah and Craig kissing... not knowing they have just got engaged...
We reach the final (and longest) chapter in book Two, and it's the last appearance of Craig Dean. *gulps*
Traditionally September tends to be the month in which the Autumn/Fall season starts (in TV terms at least) so lots of gripping storylines, this month starts with Melissa actually dropping dead! Seriously impressed with Bowlock, who used that exact phrase. I do wonder how she knew. *whistles*. Hannah's extreme dieting secret comes out, and it's all a bit anti climatic, suppose that makes sense seeing as she is practically a living dead with no energy anyway. She blames JP, *evils* how dare she. But she does have a point, he didn't fancy her sexually, he shouldn't have pretended otherwise, but the soap style karma guilt will be balanced when JP and Craig comes unrolled, and towards that we head. Sarah makes plans for a party to announce it to EVERYONE, she also buys her own ring er, OK... Meanwhile to ease JP's guilt over Hannah, Craig gives him a special, and utterly foul, watch with some tack inscription about “love always”. Later JP admits to crushing after Wentworth's Brother in Prison Break, he luvs the stubbly macho look. Oh Lincoln Burrows you masculine beast!
Party day, secrets exposed, evil looking John Paul, and fantastic sexy stuff as the boys practically make love in front of Sarah. The whole days events are a bit sordid really, so have to soften the blow with nice cute romantic words, otherwise dear JP looks like a slut! So in 10 easy steps this is what happens on the day the biggest secret is exposed.
1. JP and Craig are in his room making plans about Dublin, JP is thinking about moving up with them.
2. Sarah meanwhile is spreading the news about the engagement, and soon Frankie has sorted out a party.
3. Craig vaguely attempts to warn JP about the party but he arrives and finds Craig confessing his love to Sarah.
4. The lads have their normal fight about "choosing", lots of touching and passionate violent looks.
5. Some sincere “I want you JP!” and “I love you!” phrases from Craig mixed in with all the touching and snogging.
6. Did we mention the snogging and stripping? Oh yes there was serious undressing with it all, (Pic creds to the closed down Guy Burnet website which was run by Sasha)
7. Then JP gets mean, and texts Sarah from Craig's phone telling her to come upstairs, psychotic mean JP at his finest.
8. Sarah comes strutting upstairs, big smiles.
9. JP is groping all over Craig, touching him in naughty places where only boyfriends can touch. It's frisky fresh.
10. Sarah walks in. O.M.G!!!! Some tears, and a shocked look from Craig, and then its all over. JP in one of Spike's Black Vests sits there. Partly grinning. Sick.
It's all over! Screams the ghosts of the dead people from The Dog as they sing along to Lindsay Lohan's “Over”, its apparently a year since the truly ghostly scene where Joe's phone rings from inside his body bag *shudders*
Craig tries to stop Sarah telling everyone, but eventually, drunken on shock, she makes her way downstairsand reveals all. The music stops and its all great action for a Hollyoaks Engagement party, JP shows his face and soon everyone is telling the lad to shut up and lots of crazy chaos follows. Mercy stands up for JP. Sarah is screaming and slapping Craig. Mike is trying to look all scary. Frankie is bellowing along with Craig and Nancy. CHAOS! Craig just looks a mess, crying, confused, dazzled. JP leaves or is pushed kicked out, and cries into Mercy's open arms. Craig and Sarah talk, but there is no going back as she delivers a killer line “Oh so one day you just wondered what the inside of John Paul's mouth tasted like?”, she stumbles off outside and JP gets to talk to her. Alone.
When we come to the talking, several hours have past. Because of the gleaming darkness of night that has rapidly swept over the village. What have they done for several hours? That's anyone's guess. JP has a bit of cheek, as he tries to (this is what it look liked to little old me) suck up to Sarah and tries to blame the whole thing on Craig. She has none of it and tells him she hates him. Of course he meant it, he text her to come upstairs! *Smacks self quite hard* as a JP Zealot that's not right! The truth is Hollyoaks have lots of different writers and in this episode someone else from normal wrote the script (Darren Little aka Todd and Karl Corrie writer). Oh screw it, JP was a bitch! Noooooo JP means well, he did admit to sending the text to Sarah after all. You know what, ethically and morally I suppose its up to the viewer/reader to decide. Actually, to avoid the philosophical headache that comes with these issues perhaps its just best to except its happened and move on.
Later Craig has an emotional scene with Jack, and then Frankie compares Craig to his father. Oops bad move. It's true though and after Craig spots JP outside he rolls up his sleeves and runs out. JP again apologises for what's happened. But turns it around, making Craig feel small and weak.
Next day and Craig finally dumps (poor) Sarah and confesses his love for John Paul, he goes around to JP's which should be a Hollyoaks style fairy tale moment as they embrace their undying love. Instead JP is hunched against the door dying from a fatal overdose!... OK maybe not, he doesn't open the door to Craig though, thinking he is now back with Sarah AGAIN, instead he just weeps, his deep feelings for the man he thinks has broken his heart overwhelming him. Get it together Romeo and Juliet!
The boys get it together in wide west (border line Brokeback Mountain stylee) Who didn't see that one coming? According to Frankie, “One swallow doesn't make a summer”, oh my tee hee hee. Then the usual homophobic drivel from Jake *Hisses*. As the McQueens and Dean's bicker in the street the young un's slip off for a chat, and before long things are as they should be, John Paul McQueen and Craig Dean become the “Official McDean” as they explain to their families about the blossoming love between the two. “How can falling in love be wrong” say's JP. *Everyone goes Aww*.
Soon its time for washing and facing the outside world, Craig's bed is filthy no one in this soap either owns a washing machine naturally, so it's off to the “Squeaky Clean”, on the way madness from the abyss happens, as JP goes all evilly camp again. Poor Craig always suffering from his paranoid delusions, tut tut, decides the only way out is to escape Chester... of course JP get's in invite as well. He whole heartily accepts.
Plans are underway, cheap flights booked, and bags half packed. Myra presents a scary image, JP with LONG hair, good gracious, that' picture is going straight into the category for “worst idea in the history of the world!”. JP is chuffed, he shuns his HCC place for an English Lit place (ironic seeing as he is living a classic), and being out and proud shouts at his mum there is nothing for people to “accept” he is only gay! *Massive cheering and shouting follows*. Myra slaps him. Ah.
Sarah and Hannah have a moment as they share their pain, it beings a skimpy tear to the eye. Myra and JP make up, and before long its cosy chat time with the future mother in laws. Cosy for 10 seconds. Then its a raging torrent of hate and spite. JP tries to clam everyone down telling everyone he loves Craig very very much. Sarah is listening, oh gosh, impossible not to feel sympathy for the girl...
“Please John Paul help my homophobic mum to understand that being gay isn't the end of the world, and lets do it by asking your mum around and they can chat and then we can go live in Dublin happy ever after” says Craig to JP in the dungy Hollyoaks alley. JP does his wide mouth moment where words look like they are going to come out but get stuck in behind his lips. Eventually he stutters out a “OK I'll do my best” and before long the mums are sitting down and having a conversation about wanting to crash a civil partnership/wedding. How odd. Oh yes to make up for the crazy, Craig is shown in a state of undress playing with his flash (yes FLASH) light at night and looking at the photo frames of the past. Pity he is sitting in what looks like a nappy. It's crazy Hollyoaks nappy porn folks.
The final day arrives, Craig has cut his ties with Sarah, and everyone else, understandably he is looking a bit miserable what with all the JP huggage.. er wait a sec, shouldn't he be HAPPY! JP Huggage, hello! This doesn't bode well, and sure enough the constant sour face makes JP nervous. JP gets some McQueen table mats, they are well phatty (Or for those with an allergy to all that is urban slang “the epitome of all that is cool or great. The height of excellence.”).
Craig still refuses to confront his sexuality, he isn't gay (fair enough) but he also claims not to be Bi. The problem of labels come into play, but for all their faults they do tend to describe a person, to an extent, in useful understandable terms.
Then we get one of the most potent scenes of the entire relationship, it's a simple moment which passes, JP watches a couple kiss. To everyone happening to glance on that moment, they see a loving couple, for anyone looking at JP and Craig they just look like friends getting a flight. John Paul fully embracing his sexuality and showing how proud of it he is over the last few months see's no reason why he shouldn't be like that couple. Whether its the writers making a gay rights point or not is irrelevant, JP has as much right as anyone to kiss his boyfriend in front of everyone and to have it treated as “normal”. He begs Craig to kiss him, but Craig can't. Before long their worst emotionally charged argument descends, the conversation follows logically and reaches its natural climax with JP ending things with Craig by saying he deserves more (Both emotionally and physically). Craig just manages to choke out the words “Don't leave me”, but its unclear if JP even hears as he walks away. Craig with his bridges burnt and McDean in pieces leaves for Dublin to find out who he truly is.
JPMQ.org has had
hits since the 2nd of April 07