The old lot don't want you anymore John Paul McQueen
The tragic ending of McDean takes it toll over John Paul McQueen, racked with guilt left with no boyfriend or friends to help our hero starts to contemplate the current dire situation. Every gay boy should have a Myra who offers him love and support when the whole world seems to be against him, and yet still having to deal with a smashed heart, which somehow is still capable of aching so badly even though it no longer functions as it once did. A mix of needing to do something other than wallow over Craig Dean, trying to soothe lingering guilt and a partly selfish need to make amends with his old friends, JP decides to seek out Hannah Ashworth and Sarah Barnes forgiveness.
Firstly Hannah... pity she is hanging out with Sarah when he turns up at her house, although Hannah is quite pleased to see him. Sarah is not (well duh), She slaps on the guilt, hardly believing her ears when she hears JP's reasoning for leaving Craig, “You changed your mind!!!?”. It does sound pretty lame when its said like that. Suppose you had to be there, watching the emotion at the airport to understand his actions *sobs*. Regardless Sarah after the guilt throws in her savage vocal punches and siren screeches, it's all to much for sweetheart Hannah who finally succumbs to the surrounding hate in the room, and collapses. As normal JP gets the blame and Sarah kicks him out of the house. Poor Hannah, who later is physically threaten by Josh with a full cream cake, she cowers in a corner fear in her eyes at the cakes full creamage.
JP meanwhile is filling up on his favourite comfort food, popcorn and cherryade while chatting to mum. They have bonding and she promises she will look after, and mother him...
Uni/Collage starts, actually I think it will be called Uni from now on in these hallowed pages of book 3, because JP is technically doing a bachelor of arts, which most people do at a university. So he starts and bangs into Katy Fox, for some reason he likes to touch and rub her chesty charms, oh my. She does not like that, and later when JP actually kisses her on the check and calls her "Sweetheart" (he was trying to save her from the leech Ste), she labels him a sex pest. Warren put s her straight and Katy soon leaps at the chance to have a gay best mate. Yay some friends again. Soon its time for the ball, the pair go as a couple, and have a brilliant time eyeing up the talent. Then its a bit of chaos as some stupid girls have a fight, (Zoe and Jess if you really want to know) JP knocks into Nancy and she flies off the handle at him. Did we actually write we liked her once (Kinda anyway)?
Soon Summer arrives, dropping her knickers in the street. JP is completely impressed by this dominate powerful witch of a woman, who has to be related somehow to Jess, picking them up he uses it as an excuse to talk to her. They get along famously, in a fake no substance or depth kind of way, she talks a lot and does that showy air kissing posh people do. Bless JP, who laps it up like a dog hungry for scrummy chews. Katy isn't impressed. But meh, this is John Paul's story not hers.
Next day and Myra is fussing, sneaking into his room to empty his bin (um ok). Then something a bit odd(er) happens. JP goes to the SU bar with Summer, chatting away about how “Mommies” are so tiresome, when they get on to gardar and then the focus is this random looking student called Jay, shaggy black hair in a Craig alike waistcoat. JP pulls him. OK Stop right there. John Paul is now a man SLUT! What? When? How? JP now sleeps around!!?! JP overnight has become a stereotypically gayer! What???? This is very disturbing, plot device or not was it really necessary to use this awful character in such a way to demean everything which has happened to JP over the last few weeks? Did McDean even exist? (On a side note personally felt it incredible bad taste to show this need for casual sex in such an appalling "this makes no sense to JP's character" way, thankfully I'll possibly never have to mention this again, because Jay-all i want is bum sex- random talking extra will never been seen again! Hurrah)
JP takes Jay up to his room for some late afternoon kink, but arrives to witness something a bit extreme even for Hollyoaks. Tina and Dom having snuggle time under JP's covers. Then Myra arrives and scares off the “I look like Mika - Jay” (Yay!) JP quarrels and says he is moving out (nooo!).
The Poison Cocktail
In the week that follows amazing stuff happens, John Paul packs his bags and leaves the McQueen house also leaving behind the bed which has seen the most action in Hollyoaks EVER. He takes the stars bed cover to his new pad. Which is actually Elliot's room, where is he anyway? Suppose he is mooching off in some Welsh fields eating Scone cakes looking for UFO's. Jess decides to rip naive JP off by charging him for “renting” Elliot's room. What a bitch.
He doesn't have a very good few days as everyone else ignores him, or treats him poorly for being a fresher, Katy unloads her boring Justin worries and he is more than happy to take them on, being her shining knight *dreamy sigh*. While she has a face like the blonde lady in the Morrison's ads pushing that shopping trolley down through an apple orchard and muddy fields, all the while trying to look like sex on legs, but in reality at the end of the day she is STILL shoving a trolley over endless potholes and filth trying anything to not fall over and look perfectly ridiculous. Soon the older students take pity on him forced to hang out with either the trolley lady or the upper crust Cornish pasty Summer, so they throw him a party. Much fun is had with JP on the decks and general party shenanigans, until the vomiting starts. It's like a contest to see who can chuck up the most, and who gets the most random place to unload his or her stomach. Ugh not nice to watch during your Tea. It's actually all Cheap Bitch's fault as she pinched a load of the students money and then hired the most shoddy handyman she could find to fix the boiler, and keeping the bulk of the students money in the process, the Handyman shoved some newspaper up the back to block the air vents; *drum roll* and for the effort a nice lethal dose of Carbon Monoxide poisoning for the party.
One by one everyone passes out, some with sick still caked on their faces, disgusting. Eventually Fishlips Hero Justin stumbles across everyone and saves the day by picking them up and taking them outside. Yes yes its all very heroic Justin, clap clap. John Paul comes around and we all smile and clap each other on the backs with grins splashed all over our faces as we nod and all say we knew he'd be safe! Next day and Katy is still looking like drugged up Morrison women when she declares her undying love to Justin... because he saved her life. He's nasty to JP though and tells him to shove his ipod. How rude.
One month Later... then One more
... and JP is enjoying his fifth week in halls, he decides to make a go of the whole student thing and signs up for the HCC football team. He gets a top up tan in the local tanning shop and goes home and chats to Jess about turning him into a full style Queen, JP grins and shyly thanks the cheating stealing good for nothing bitch by touching her arm. Suddenly disaster strikes as Elliot comes home wanting to unpack and do weird geeky things in his room. Except its full of JP's stuff! Liverpool FC footballers, the mighty reds and a smiling picture of Amaury Nolasco greet Elliot, before the true owner bursts in shocked to see the Semi fit Welsh lad staking his claim on his stuff.
Together JP and Elliot go and have a stern word with Jess (because the evil double crosser has hired out the same room to two people at the same time), they tell her what she has done is wrong and very naughty and she must pay them back. Jess laughs and tells them she has spent in on rubbish stuff like lip gloss and the like, before chatting to Sarah about a very exclusive party for the fashionable type students. With a cloud of outrage in their wake the boys walk back to the halls to find that Jess for some inexplicable reason, other than out of pure spite, has spent a night with Elliot's stuff ripping off the original packaging of some very fancy Star Wars merchandise thus reducing their value to peanuts. Elliot's seeks "empire strikes back" revenge and locks himself in Jess room, persumably with the Emperor’s status. Wait that's the wrong fairy tale -
- Anyway he spends all night in her bed, and Jess sleeps on the sofa. Next day JP tease's Jess about gloop in her eye. Jess has actually put this in her eyes on purpose because JP has a brand new black and white stripy hood, that just screams sex appeal, she can't bare to look at it (just in case she needs to shell out for a sex change next) but never fear JP kills the mood when he admits to all he pees in the kitchen sink. Yuck. Eventually J-Pig decides he will just move back home, which he does. He needs to kick Michaela out first, who has taken over with her pink fetishes. J-Pig is strong and wins out against pink piggies pigging comments.
One month later and JP is just getting on with life, after the antics of the last snowballing action packed year it's all very tame and totally dull, he and Hannah even kiss and make up! This is no way a good use of our heroic hero's time, where is the action and the trouble? How can he give his J-Pups or have a JP-needs-a-hug CRY, where's the snark I ask? Checked at the door is where. Thankfully it's not to long before the new villain Kris-Ter-Phonic takes his shot and riles JP into action by offering some naff "coming out advice". A standoff is demanded! In dramatic fashion, as the titans of word play ready for banter, the power fails and its darkness all around the radio studio. "The Duo" AKA Elliot and JP plot jamming Pirate action against Kris-ter-phonic, will their plans come undone or will they bash Fisher into next year? Of course they do it! With a halloween style voice changer they turn Kris-Ter-Phonic MAD, he gets evil and wants to kill and "bash some heads" (thanks Marcus) but this is Kris Fisher we are talking about, hiding behind a mic inside a sound proofed room doesn't change that, so he breezes around in his black stilettos throwing Radios to theground and ranting off about how he will get his revenge...Until next time dear readers...
... and next time is not all excitement and fun. JP does some first meeting bonding with sexy new hairdresser Niall, and then chortles when Elliot takes over Kris's radio show again. We chuckle and snort and read our Beano. JP sits back and tucks in to some Xmas pud. It's Christmas after all!!!
Christmas And New Year Beginnings
"Merry Xmas. Miss You. Luv 2 CU in Dublin. X " A present from Craig, JP's ex, the boy whose Cherry JP did took, the lad who couldn't handle having a boyfriend, you know, what most of the past JP Books were about, Craig Dean the boy who lived (at The Dog?) Yes well Craig (as in DEAN) texts JP on Christmas Day saying the above! How exciting! Pity JP doesn't feel the same, he shrugs it off... but the seeds of future destiny have been sown! Although for our hero it's just a normal Chrismukkah at the McQueen's, silly hats, crackers, and psychotic half brothers plotting evil (like stealing Myra's bus pass). Bring back The Claire we say.
Boxing day and it's another day at the McQueen's with everyone suffering from alcohol induced hangovers. JP shows some skin, and tells Mercy to stop nicking his porno mags from under his bed, she's become quite the gay rights supporter these days and has now grown to accept and enjoy the sight of two guys getting it on. About time. Myra tries to gather some support to attack Tina's plan to have Tony's baby and give it to Jackie, but all JP wants is sleep.
Sleep he does, into the new year in fact. 2008 creeps round and Father Kieron is invited to move into the McQueen's by Myra, he gets the guest room. "Hang on, guest room?" JP asks. The "guest room" is actually JP's Bedroom but with a mini tidy up, it looks swish swish by the way. Elliots taken to splashing on copious amounts of Calvin Klein's perfume "obsession " as he can't stop getting at Kris and his radio show, JP is a bit bored of it now *yawns* but goes along with it after talking off his top and showing off his chest to try and temp Elliot one last time, but because he has his Obsessive Love of Kris, JP's magic sheets and pecks just go to waste. Oh well. The boys get up to their usual tricks... but the next day Elliot STILL hasn't had enough, it's crazy! JP thinks so too when Elliot starts calling their revenge "our baby", going off the deep end Elliot climbs up the roof and smiles when JP joins in the hijack.
Your never guess what happens the next day!? Elliot's up on the roof again! This time JP talks him down, and its all hunky and over until he spots Elliot about to tell everyone it was him when his fans are saying how wonderful and clever the hijack was, JP steps in and reveals it was all him and he acted alone. Self sacrifice is so hotttt. Rather than Kris getting his retort in, Sarah steps in and rants, and rants, and rants about how awful JP is, turning her men gay and just slanderous comments that are WRONG. JP's face? Like a slapped babys bum.
What better way to get over a shout down like that? A music gig to watch The Twang naturally, so JP get's two tickets and he and Hannah go and have a smashing time. In between getting the tickets and the music playing, Ste breaks into the house and tries to steal JP's watch! (Not the one from Craig, who'd be able to sell that junk after all?) But JP catches him and wrestles him out of the house, later he pops around to the new council state house to try and bring Michaela home who has left the nest because Myra slapped her for doing "Skunk/Stunk". He fails, but mostly it's been a good day and in the evening Musical fun with Hannah. Awesome. He has a fun chat with Hannah in The Dog the following day where they dish Jake for oppressing Nancy's free spirit and more Twang talk.
Then along comes Robin, and his shaggy hair like Micky from those annoying Proctor and Gamble hair adverts who think its actually OK to use and abuse animals for cosmetics! Ugh double gross (remember this because Robin will deserve hate and protests for stealing Spike's spot amongst other things...). The lad plays ruggers or to the non British/non sporty; Rugby. JP is so bad that he stereotypes away and assumes he is straight, so does every other watcher who hasn't read the spoilers or assumes all gay men are like Sean from Coronation Street. Hollyoaks laughs in the face of ignorance once again as it presents another macho gayer who would give even the most "100%" straight man a run for his masculinity. The lad is a total player (hint hinty hint) and before the day is out has revealed he is a man's man. JP smitten and pining? Its a new and oddly scary look, well for Book 3 anyway. JP eventually with a bit of pushing from Zac plucks up the courage to ask Rob (a sexy and much better name than Robin and in real life a "Rob" one of us works with is yummy sex on legs) out for a date but its all awkward and cute, Rob loves this and kisses JP in front of everyone to get all the touchy stuff out of the way, like when you want to hold someone's hand in the cinema for the first time but you don't know if they want to, but maybe they want it, and well your hand is turning into a swamp with all the sweat and you don't want them to think you are totally ick and so - (OK you get the idea deleting the rest of what was written *snip*).
The Horrors of Robin and the start of the nightmares to come
JP officially has a Cowboy Brokeback Mountain fetish, spending an entire morning fantasying about him and Robin wearing cowboy hat's and making out to wild west tunes, or Mika's "grace kelly" (at time of writing, RIP Heath Ledger), the boy is 100% smitten and in a state of major lust, so when he goes on a date with Rob he is a bit disturbed that Zak and the "god squad" are coming along too, the boys play with balls, dodging and having to field questions and comments between the openly gay man and the supposed anti gay priest with the recently converted in the middle. Ouch. Robin's brains are soon moved to his boxers as he starts to pant after other men... while he is still on the date with JP, Worst. Threesome. Ever. There is some rigorous hard shoving kissing against a wall in the toilets afterwards and JP is left feeling a bit stunned when Rob says JP playing pool gets him going, and now they can all relax. Eh? How does that work, JP cant figure it out either. The following Monday and it moves way fast, JP gets dumped in a horrific showing of dumping and selfish spite, remember that Proctor and Gamble animal testing linkage above... NOW *hate hate hate* aim it all at Robin and his horrid disgustingly formed hair. "SCUMBAG" (we quote JP). OK OK fair enough we wouldn't mind JP for his body, but we'd only take it if his heart came with it. Robin = SCUM!!!
Later that night (after Myra has linked him to Trendy Wendy) JP confesses his loneness to Father Kieron and how his heart is broken (Doubt its all down to Robin, McDeaner's) how he only attracts guys who are straight, in the closet or scumbags. True, so true we nod in agreement with JP's wisdom, also taking a swig from our Heineken can. Then something funny happens, the Priest says he is gay too. *Heineken goodness showers the computer screen*.
It was a dark and stormy night, the wind and rain was lashing at the McQueen window and JP toasty in his room was pondering how to make Father Kieron come out to everyone. This thought had plagued him all night and he was no closer to solving the problem, a tree branch tapping the window broke his thinking and he switched on the TV, flicking over some trashy music channels. Father Kieron burst in, explaining he couldn't stand it any longer Myra's non stop chattering about her incontinence meant he had to pack his bags. Before JP knew what he was doing he started to rant about how good it feels to come out, Kieron didn't share this sentiment. He lowered his head and raised it like a proud lion clutching his holy bible and remote control he whacked up the volume and JP screamed as the worst horror he had ever faced took over his room. Porn. Straight porn, as Erik Prydz- Call on me (the hot version) boomed out of his TV speakers. There were arses lots and lots of pelvic thrusting and bra sexual movements, Kieron just laughed manically and said that was why he was a Priest and why he would never have sex. JP stopped screaming, raised his confused eyebrows and told Kieron he didn't need to worry, that was straight porn he would never need to dabble in that, and please would he stay so they could watch Football together again. Good times.
Fake much? Well the originals weird, Father Kieron in JP's dark room with the black curtains closed lets rip with Bible in hand and a picture of the Simpsons in the background, trying to look all smoldering and broody (Kieron that is) and sorta pulling it off but mostly you only keep a straight face because he is a Priest and the way he sternly keeps says "John Paul". He does tell JP to grow up and stop his crusade, but it does seem like Father Kieron is saying it more to convince himself. JP gets that passing lust look on and instantly says sorry. It's creepy on too many levels. The highlight? JP thinking about Father Kinkron, and thus defining him into JPMQ existence (or for the clever theology educated thinkers Locke and Kant's moral arguments)
Niall picks his first victim with Michaela, drugging her and giving her an overdose of heroin for good measure, during his birthday party, basically for the last few weeks everyone now thinks Michaela is a smack head. Nice. She moves in with Niall (people have not worked out the truth obviously, although as usual Jacqui is a good judge of charator and thinks something is wrong with Niall...) and a uneventful month passes.
Soon it's a "out of no where fashion show" and Carmel ropes in her boys to fill in for some models struck down with that horrid vomiting virus. Icky. But sexy when JP and Kieron strip and suit up in... er suits. The Dog is under siege so the show gets cancelled while the hostages talk about wetting themselves (it actually gets quite exciting so no more "jokes"). Anyway JP and Kieron are tidying up, although JP would rather play with the bra padding, and drinking and generally being kind of flirty with one another, there is some VERY familiar talk about being "MATES", alone in an EMPTY SU bar and both are wearing smart suits. Replicated foundations for the greatest love ever told? Or just a smirk at those pining for the Sunset Ending? Either way, the guys hot kiss in a pose even Madonna would be proud of.
The picture below speaks a hundred words, so expect a skimpy write up; Truth or Dare game, with chemistry added to the mix = JP with beer in hand with only fake tan for company.
Kieron goes away for some priestly fun in Skegness leaving JP all alone to ponder life. Bored out of his mind he has the bright idea of creating a LGBT society to meet like minded guys and girls to pal up with. Kris laughs at this and says its just a way for JP to get his leg over, naughty kinky Kris! JP doesn't resist for long, and soon after is grabbing random shaggy hair dudes *ALERT - JAY< CRAIG < ROBIN - LOOK ALIKE* called Toby, or Tobias as his mum calls him, and kissing him. The poor Scot is so overcome by the English gorgeousness that is John Paul he goes a bit weird in the head, thinking that JP is actually called "Babycakes" Eh? Maybe it would have been a good idea at that point to back away slowly, then, when out of the SU doors run screaming through the Village to his snuggly bed. ALONE.
But instead he gives Toby his mobile number. Oops. Toby likes to stalk, and boy is he good at that, mix that in with his awful personality and wham you have one hell of a bunny boiler on your hands. Leave to simmer for a few hours and its serving time! Toby bounces around the halls knocking on every single collage room trying to find JP the next morning, eventually finding him crashed out on the student flat sofa. "Babycakes!" can't believe it and Kris? The man just smirks. Flowers arrive later and Toby even wants a Kylie song played in his honor. Before he suggests any form of copulation or ritual blood letting, JP dumps his ass, Toby can't believe it and tells the whole SU bar JP looks like Simon Cowell with the way he wears his jeans. Pitiful retort, because JP's arse always looks fine no matter where his jeans are striding, hips, bum or even chest, it's always good.
The following day Kris is trying to work out who JP likes (Father Kieron but shuss its a secret!!). WAIT! STOP RIGHT THERE! DO NOT PASS GO AND DO NOT COLLECT 200 POUNDS. Kris and JP? Friends? Since when writers? The last we saw of JP and Kris they were nemesis, prepared to fight to a musical death. Ah well they are always lying and making it up as they go along, only last week they said jaffa cakes only have 1 gram of fat!! Then this week they said that Hannah was born in 1990 which is just a huge factual lie.
Meanwhile Niall lurks in the background doing revenge type things on the McQueen clan, will John Paul be his next victim?...
Vicarage Fun With Some REgret
Tony has far too much Sea Bass, and as a result rants about it for two whole bloody days! Who cares about the stinking things? Because of the Sea Bass, Jacqui ropes JP into working at Il Nosh for the day, much fishy fun is had. But when Hannah and Kris start trying to guess who JP fancies again, Kieron finds out, and wow, is he unhappy. Like the fish he kicks up a stink and asks JP not to talk about him with his friends again.
The following day the pair make up. Kieron, like the fish, is now starting to really go off, twisting and mixing his faith with desires of his heart by saying that god brought them together to er, you know, DO IT at least 3 times a night, with all the kissing and holding that goes with the er, DOING IT. JP likes this thought at first because it's sexy, but later Kieron starts to really stink it up by going on and on with the constant thinking about JP next door as he lies in his magical bed and sex sheets every night, wishing he could come running in, bashing the wall down as he goes, and ravaging with feral growling rounding the scene off. The final disturbing thought for JP is him and Kinkron doing it with god in tow. God Sex? Perhaps its the thought of having his first threesome, or maybe the scary thought about being with "perfection"... *there is serious smut begging to be turned into written words here, but that's to far even for us, so we will leave it with - * JP saying he can't be the one responsible for breaking Kieron's vows and then runs off.
Life bubbles along for our John Paul as he works hard at collage, avoiding Kieron and his sex fantasies (which truthfully, because we get to watch, involves some form of cannibalistic biting) and gets in shape for a HUGE 10km (or 6.21371192237 miles) run for something... Kris meanwhile starts to warm up to Kieron, much to JP's annoyance. You'd think he'd be glad surely? Ah well, no time to dwell, Tina has a guilty secret JP needs to pry from her innocent eyes; She is carrying Russ's not Tony's baby!! Complicated? Well yes and we will move back to the forming love/hate triangle between the boys... They do the race and Kris and Kieron flirt around, The Green eyed monster rises in JP and he struts off home, where he and Kieron talk about their relationship.
Blame The Daily Star (avoid following link if you don't want to know) and its wretched accuracy with Hollyoaks spoilers, for the following depressive view on all things budding.
It should be a wonderful start to the JP and Kieron relationship, as the pair finally give into one another's lust and desires, the music swells in the background with some boyband goo gently setting the scene in the dimly lit McQueen living room, all that's missing is a couple of candles, instead we get the orange glow from an outside street light. The pair grab each others faces. Lock lips. And its wonderful... wonderful for now, but truly horrific in time, if the future unfolds in the way that The Daily Star predicts.
End nasty spoiler. And the telling of John Paul McQueen's story continues as normal
The pair slob over one another for a while, and in a wrong/awkward sort of way they gradually make their way to JP's bedroom for some fun with the magic sex sheets. JP is totally knackered and passes out from exhaustion a heady mix of the 10k race and Kieron's previously suppressed sex drive which is now unleashed to run rampant with St John Paul of the magic willy. Guilt and regret is the order of the hour and couple leave the bed (after romantic/fond forehead kissing) and go off alone to seek solace and clarity with their friends, Kieron talks to Kris in The Dog because, well, god isn't much of a talker. Kris is a bit scornful of what he hears, but comes around and lets Kieron natter on about his faith and what happens next.
John Paul has a much more interesting time when he goes for tea at Hannah's (Its early hours of the following morning by now) the emotional music swells again and JP confesses how no romantic relationship has felt as good as what he had with Craig. It's touching, revealing and honest (we will link back HERE in 2 or 3 or 6 (etc) months or whenever John Paul leaves to see which of the below is right) and means either;
A) It's setting the course for the future, JP will never get over Craig and thus the pair MUST be reunited... or
B) Hannah is Nancy and Sarah when they were saying the exact same things to her about her feelings for JP who had just dumped her, and other girls for boys. And Nancy and Sarah were ultimately right...
Ahhh so much serious thinking, Kieron says "don't think, just do it", damn that man is so wise. A flawed JP doesn't see it... instead he dumps the wise one by saying Craig was better, and leaves him standing all alone over the kitchen sink, A whimpering heart broken mess.... John Paul is not nice. He's curt, selfish and generally unfeeling towards Kieron and his emotional baggage. It's crystal to everyone at this point that JP is regretting his decision to leave Craig at the airport, and is becoming "Kris" fused with the McQueen slapper genes = Robin at a early point in his career to be the champion magic willy user. The boy needs a harsh reality check before it's too late, but you cant fault the HOTNESS in those scenes can you??? HA, and they say writers can't use rhetoric these days. Oh yes and Kieron is very mature about it all and moves in with Psychotic Hell Bent on McQueen Revenge Niall.
John Paul's Back -
- And it's very attractive, but you knew that didn't you? Then comes the personality, 19 year old musical JP admits to loving Spice Girls by dancing around to them, and tells Kieron he goes for HIV tests on a semi regular basis. No. No. No. John Paul. Now your crush and possible eternal sole mate thinks you are a slut of the worst kind, do you want him to go into overlimit mode or something? Sex without the love glove is never a good idea. Even the Magic Willy needs protection.
Kieron quickly dismisses that this McQueen is quickly turning out to be the filthiest of them all when he hears about JP selfless deed of chasing after his sister all day because she fails to show up for her HIV test and before long the pair are sitting pretty in The Dog while Darren hosts his pub quiz and tries his hardest to be the Wit in Twit. JP has to do a dare which involves some worrying chicken style moves, its freakily creepy. (As usual Kieron cant get enough of the creep).
JP tells Kris he is finally over Craig Dean and ready for Whitney Houston love with someone new (Er you know "I Will Always Love You la la" no longer applies). Surprise surprise Kieron loves this revelation and gives JP a few playful kisses until the Penis Breath turns his stomach and the pair bicker *sigh*. JP brushes his teeth and goes to the Church to talk, just in case the smell isn't gone, they sit in the confession box and JP says what a fool he has been about everything. Later in the village they agree to become an official couple. Only not tell anyone else, riiiight.
Few days later and they share some very dull and boring kisses on the McQueen couch, Myra comes home and they tell awful porkies, and we learn JP was so excited to reach his fifth birthday he wet himself.
Fortunately for us we don't have to watch to much more of the sorry excuse for "passion", but do get a half naked bathroom shower scene which is a prominent feature in classic soft porno's such as the Mills and Boom Daily Mail give away staring Patsy Kensit (anyone else see that advert and do a John Paul by wetting themselves? Obviously not out of excitement, but through sheer hilarity). Anyway moving on... the pair burst out dripping wet to find a kissing Steph and Niall staring up at them. OMG. But wait, Niall and Steph? Kissing. OMG.
A year ago today McDean day happened *sigh* that date in 2007 was such a good episode, this year was terrible! It really sucked, JP and Kieron told each other they loved one another by a slot machine, where was the snot and kitchen sink guys? Then despite every single thing Kieron had asked of JP NOT to tell anyone... he blabs everything to Wise Mercy. But we do consider JP's face with those two ears to be very, very attractive. Even ears that create interest (to us) i.e. ones, you wanna flick or wack or grab, fat ones hard ones pointy ones, isn't enough for Kieron, in fact even JP's entire being isn't enough for Kieron. He cant give up his faith for human flesh, a gutted JP cries real tears (this is the point you are smushed into believing maybe JP really does feel something for the dear father) but it's not enough. Unfortunately Michaela felt like being an amateur Veronica Mars and snuck into the flat and recorded the break up conversation. Why? It's Michaela! What else were you expecting. Logic? The real reason is revealed later on... despite all the evidence it still takes several more days for her to piece it all together and get the true picture. JP call's her "nose disease", but they go back to brother sister love quickly, then its emotional warfare when JP becomes a fuming mass of water, skin and muscle and lets rip at his youngest sister at the betrayal he feels, (She tried to gather all the evidence in order to sell the affair to the local Herald, how naughty). Meanwhile Mercedes and Kieron are battling it out when she thinks he was two timing her brother with Kris, the word slapper is thrown at her and whack she lands a punch the size of the K2 mountain on Kieron's face. Finally after a very eventful couple of days JP and Kieron get it on (again) when he says he will leave the church for his boywonder.
Back together its not 24 hours later before JP is striping naked and walking into the bathroom flat and pulling back the curtain hoping for more shower sex. It goes wrong. Very very wrong indeed, instead of coming face to face or even face to cheek, he get's a eye full of Niall. Whoops. It brings the illicit relationship issue to the surface and Niall agree's he will keep his mouth shut, doesn't mean he wont try and get others to open theirs however. He pushes JP into telling Myra, who is revealing to Kieron all about giving up Niall when she dropped the sprog at the tender age of 14. JP fueled on beer comes home to tell all, fortunately Kieron stops him. The following afternoon JP comes home to find Elliot waiting there for him to help fix his telescope, hilarity ensues when JP asks him to be his "boyfriend" in order to throw Myra off the trail...
It works! A month later and Myra is still blissfully unaware of what's going on, she stumbles across some empty boxes of condoms when she snoops after a tip off from Michael about what Golden Balls has been up to of late, and everyone potters around with the eager watcher treated to much John Paul and Kieron fluffing. Unfortunately JP and Kieron underestimated Niall's evil, and with some basic strategy he slops the whole affair onto the open fire, where it burns to a smoulding mess when Myra beings to rant in the Church about Kieron and JP. Sexing it up all over the village. It would all be very shocking but Mandy's face turns the whole event into a comedy, come on, own up who didn't have a little smirk going on? What feels like days of John Paul's Psychedelic Bumblebee with Caesar's Hair Look but in actual fact is only hours for the Chester residents JP strips it off for comfort se - (I refuse to write the s.e.x word again, anyone else spotting that this is all they seem to do these days? Its turning JPMQ into a rough around the edges slash fic) because Kieron's life and beliefs have now come undone and he needs a bit of EDT of reassurance. Splash it on Caesar.
Max gets run down by Niall who is by the day getting more like creepy dipped in scary sauce, he gets nasty at JP when he quotes some cliched comforts, then again when he get's ticked off at Myra (who incidentally has just done one of those "If you walk out of that door, you cant come back" ultimatums, obviously JP walked back to Kieron) and once more when JP goes for a midnight drink of water after moving in to the flat, Niall stands in the shadows glaring *shivers up your spine*.
- But For How Long?
(Not long enough for this JPMQ writer). As The World Turns into the following days JP is confronted with the reality of living his days with Kieron who has now lost the suffix of Father after a representative and personal friend of Kieron's comes to persuade him back to the Church but is beaten down by JP's confession of blunt feelings for his fella, and Kieron can't live with the hypocrisy of going back to the Church and having JP in his heart taking the place of God. Ah everything as it should be then, Happy days! Er except Niall decides to push Tina down some hard steps because he loves doing EviL.
Fortunately for Tina and everyone else involved in the headache inducing baby surrogacy affair, she gives birth to a healthy baby, and amidst the confusion and legality of it all JP becomes a uncle! The downside... Niall manipulates Kieron into thinking it would actually be better for JP if he left him to be with his family and stopped making him choose. Adios Kieron.
*Warp two weeks into the future and it's:*
Bonjour Kieron as he returns in what he left in. Fortunately JP is at Uni getting his (very good) results for completing his first year, then getting invited to tea by Myra. Back at the flat Niall picks up the phone to call JP, while Kieron takes the quickest wizz in the history of ever (incontinence), watchers vaguely think he will get him on the phone, to get the balls rolling so to speak, but no, Niall makes up a load of bull and then plays up JP's slapper side to Kieron. Clever. But very wrong. Meanwhile JP is back home with the McQueen's as Myra decides to invite him back, he creeps around her and disturbs her while reading a very racy book. She asks him to just be himself, and so true to his word he disappoints Myra again by bumping into Kieron in the flat and the pair go all bug eyed with declarations of love and lust, all with sentence structure that match's ours; "Wont never hurt you again" coos Kieron, after JP recounts a dream he had the other night about Kieron stroking his hair. A quick trip into our dream interpreting google text book suggests the dream "indicates sexual curiosity and your need for some sensual stimulation. You have a lot to learn about a relationship". Sometimes the scriptwriters are just too darn clever!
The morning comes and Kieron packs up all his religious stuff much to JP's pleasing, then they trot off about the Village to show off. Myra doesn't like it but that's not new? Lots of subtle couply moments which are ignored by everyone else around, two men touching and kissing, what of it? What we like to see in good old open minded Chester. And they lived happy ever after?
The Second Engagement
Everything is nice and stable for a while after the pair are reunited (again), JP has finished the first year of Uni so is after a new project which resides outside of the bedroom (do you know how pleasing it is to finally write that!) and Kieron is off job hunting. Over breakfast overhearing Mandy and Louise talking about The Loft, JP get's his big idea; A Gay Night at the club. He puts his McQueen charm and some basic trickery to good use and soon Louise is practically pushing what ever half the door takings would be into his lap if he pulls the themed night off. As an added bonus he even get's Kieron to help out, well it's either that or a long slutty shift at "The Church".
So Kieron helps promo "Shirt Lofters"
which makes as much sense to us as putting ice cream on a roast dinner, the writers this time have come up with something so out there even the great brains at JPMQ don't get it. edit - actually it makes sense if you dont put a "I" instead of the "O" in LOfters you dummy Steads! During the night JP has been to the 24/7 printing shop which is probably located next door to "The Church", which DOES makes sense because after a booze and feel up there is nothing like capturing the moment next door with lots of flyers to remind you of that lap dance and swiggle rub. So anyway hand them out the lads do, to lots of people who sort of smile politely and don't quite get why they have been invited to some sort of shirt lifting convention, lots of people will turn up though because the first drink is free, then everyone can compare belly buttons. A good night for sure.
Myra does a U turn the next day during baby Max's McQueen style naming ceremony which is topped off with a dreadful chav sovereign ring, where she tells JP, Kieron is one of the few friends she has and he should also be there to celebrate. When he get's there the whole thing is awkward and not feeling like he fits in with the McQueen's goes back home. JP chases him and after some cuddly chat proposes to him (Kieron says yes of course!). It's not a traditional proposal but this is 2008 and we think people are being a bit harsh, the whole point of this type of joining is the foundations of commitment, not the flashy stuff. Look what happened with Sarah and Craig, although this might not turn out any better...
*Squeals* even the Kieron haters would find it hard to not give a little "aww" when we get a nice treat of watching the newly engaged couple interact, lots of kissing, but the best bits are the smiles and touching. So natural and romantic. The first night of Shirt Lofters kicks off and some of their friends, Kris and Dom toast the couples great news.
Zip one month into the future and we resume the story after weeks of dullish and laughable stories (Because JP and Co are the best 2, 4, 6, 8, *shakes the pom poms*). JP is busy searching out places for their Honeymoon and their 2009 world trip, where they can spend glorious days basking in the sun getting that one step closer to skin cancer and aged wrinkled skin, Ibiza is his top pick for this. While Kieron is eager to go to Tanzania to do some charity work, basically he wants to spend his days in prison because as soon as the boys kiss, its off to the big house for their "unnatural acts". *Bites tongue to stop major slate of the middle eastern countries*. Meanwhile Niall stabs his large claws into Kieron and starts to wriggle them about as he angles everyone into position for Myra to find out what's going on. JP starts to pluck up the courage by talking to himself and one again Romeo and Juliet talk rears its gruesome head. Then he gets to her house all fired up but doesn't quite spit it out as he struggles with a mouthful of baked beans and disgusting looking turd sausages. Ain' t love grand. Kieron is having an equally exciting time with Kris donating blood. Except they cant. Because both are filled with gay blood.
After months of the hidden engagement, it all comes out in a two minute conversation. JP tells Myra. She flips off. They bicker. Make up. Then its gay pride Myra again. Finally this chapter can end.
the Start of the end
Nothing to do with the book, which claims that mankind evolved from cannibalistic apes. Oh my. No the end is near! First Tina and JP share their bond at the park, then the next day its JP and Hannah. Hannah? Who's Hannah again? Kris mentions to her that soon JP will be getting something pieced, and its not his eyebrow. (Again) Oh my. The speed is crazily fast and simple doubts start to block out the sunlight in JP's world which shines down on a "happy ever after ending"... is that a sunset coming?
After all the pushing from Niall and finally feeling things are moving at warp 9.9 (warp 10 isn't actually possible in modern Star Trek, ask any trekkie or Wilf apparently). JP pulls on the brakes and asks Kieron to stop with the wedding planning for a while, JP picks bad sentence structure and causes a row which ends in Kieron going off to think, leaving JP to spot... CRAIG DEAN!!!! As they gaze at each other across the counter with lots of fruit (probley fake waxy stuff they have on TV shows) that spark comes back.
They go off for a walk around the village and natter about the past and what's going on now, its all tame stuff until Darren lets rip by revealing JP has been stealing priests from under the Church's nose, and who'd have thought; Craig is now a big fan of colonic irrigation (ahem, you know what that's referring to right? *long drawn out wink with mouth slightly open and head tilted*). The lads have a deep emotional, where Craig talks about his brief relationships since last September, (the gender is unknown but we think it was a guy called "James") and then a huge hug outside that involves hands on head and pretty much the pose you'd have while in bed and wanting to be as close to the other person as possible without actually being them. Kieron see's all this and he is not impressed, throwing JP's phone at him and storming off in a cloud of angry, hate and confusion (maybe hurt too. OK MAJOR Hurt, what JP says at M.O.B.S is very wrong ).
Hollyoaks have pulled out all the stops with the wrapping up of the JP storylines with sharp pointed scenes and some of the best lines in ages, the following day it picks up a gear as we move into the fast lane. Kieron is fretting himself about JP still being in love with his ex (every relationships worst nightmare, only second to hearing your partner fancies someone else) and JP is walking around with his confused face on which isn't reassuring anyone. Niall with his shockingly disgusting T-Shirt which has a spine line up its back (no one buy this top! It's the great fashion disaster of 2008) so he is more animal and demon like than ever before, preps his plans once again and shatters JP and Kieron's already fragile relationship. Kieron calls it off when JP can't commit to a date for the wedding. Completely missing the point that JP asked for a cool down before he even knew Craig was back, but McDean sparks were flying so maybe his actions were justified... JP returns home and is hugged by Michaela when she see's how upset he is, taking our place because we wanted to be there to cuddle him!
Craig, the next day tries to worm his way in (rebound alert) but JP is still wanting to sort things with Kieron first of all. Although JP is heavily featured its more fluff as he needs to seriously think... Kieron unfortunately (for him) doesn't wallow and jumps back into finding Myra's son, he quickly discovers the truth; Matthew is Niall!!!
Do we joke around with what happens next, or tell the truth. We couldn't decide, and because we love to back the losing man, and because everyone seems to be a tad too pleased Kieron's dead we decided to reflect the mood in JP's life. Somber. It's not really fair to ask us to write up what happens in the flat, and just after because it has to be seen.It wrenches at your heart and the final moments of Kieron's life in JP's arms are just to hard to describe or write about.
So please look up the 5th and 8th of September on our Timeline and watch for yourself... Look out for our favorite bits;
- McDean coming together again!
- The End of Kieron.
- JP in the Flat with the paramedics and the body bag.
- JP hiding in between two buildings.
- Myra finding out.
- Craig being told its over by JP.
The Middle Of The End
A week of grieving and its funeral time. Except JP was not involved at all with the planning of the service, in fact the lad has been so out of it, he double books himself; Carmel wants him to give her away at her wedding to Calvin, and Niall wants JP to come with him to say goodbye to his fiance'.
Jacqui slaps him in the face and orders him to the wedding, so before long he is pushing Carmel along the aisle. Yup pushing. She is wearing roller skates. Crazy no? Really it happened. JP doesn't go to Kieron's funeral to say goodbye and pushes his fake tan disaster sister to the wedding instead. *Speachless*. The wedding is unremarkable, and the reception is the same, in terms of John Paul stuff, although he does have a quip or two for Leo Valentine, and Carmel is lead down the aisle by JP whilst Spice Girls "2 Become 1" echoes around the church.
At the reception in The Loft JP comes across Craig again, they sit for a while, and there is touching of sorts as Craig comforts him, they agree to meet up for a goodbye drink the next day.
Next morning and JP is sniffing Kieron's scarf and wallowing in the bed they once shared. He goes around to Myra's for the memorial service she has planned but JP is horrified and doesn't think it would have been what Kieron would have wanted at all. Can you blame him? The last time Myra did this same set up was to say goodbye to their beloved pet Dog. So Jacqui whisks him away to Kieron's grave so he can say farewell in his own way. JP has his P.S I love you moment alone, while Jacqui goes off to look for a pot for the flowers she has brought, the rain is softly falling and he talks into his phone as if he were really talking to Kieron. "It's beautiful" would be an understatement. JP has huge unforgettable guilt sitting on his shoulders about what's happened and his part in the events leading to the death, and no spin on it will change that, he says his thing, then he picks himself up, says goodbye mate (cringe) and deletes his number from his mobile.
Back to Craig who is still waiting for JP to turn up for that drink. Twiddling his thumbs, wondering when he should finally shave. He eventually gets bored and goes to the McQueen's to retrieve him, Myra stares out the window giving filthy looks at trampy Craig so he drags JP off for a drink at The SU. JP is sill consumed by guilt and tells him he must find his "Kieron" and not let go. Um hint, hint!!!! HINT!! They have a lonnnng hug which is plenty of time for Craig to slip into JP's pocket a ticket (one way) to Dublin... as soon as Craig is walking off JP finds it.... what will happen now!!?
The End of The End
John Paul doesn't seem to know either. He has a hard choice to make, should he go with Bi Curious Craig, have a fresh start somewhere new and maybe a second attempt at a relationship with his first boy love? Or does he owe it to Kieron and himself to stay where he is, deal with Kieron's death and move forward in due course? Mostly he thinks the second, Myra thinks the first. Seriously this women has a major U Turn problem, every week JP seemed to do something that shocked or horrified her, then the next day she would be on his side urging him on! If Myra is driving on the road, you shouldn't be. But it's not just Myra thinking the first choice is the right one... both Sarah and Hannah *emotional music wells as old faces return and happy school day memories return* meet up with JP in the village and seem to encourage him forward, then they even run into Craig outside The Dog (who apparently has a nickname of Graham Norton), where they joke about a Movie Poster For a McDean Movie(!!!) which is all rounded off by a group squishy love hug *aww*. So it seem's only right JPMQ also has to pick our first choice way back in chapter 6 (Although Hannah did make a LOT of sense with what she says to Craig about being honest from the start). Go for it boyo!
Unfortunately Niall decides the second choice is the way to go and we all know how determined he is to get his way about these kind of things so after some jokes about Nintendo Pawn (Oh come on, that was good!) he whips out his lethal drugs from the kitchen cupboard and laces JP's beer with them, which JP drinks... Meanwhile Craig is fretting away outside The Dog looking for his St Christopher and waiting to see if JP turns up after all...
The McDean Beginning Part Two
...While Craig waits, JP battles for his life as brother dearest looks on. Maybe Kieron's spirit lends a hand (literally) by knocking over JP's spiked drink, which he then swaps for Niall's when he is out of the room. Either way that's what happens, JP escapes and goes after his man leaving Niall to stew in his own handy work.
Unfortunately he misses Craig in a split screen teaser moment as each block tells a story but is out of sync by 30 minutes! How unbelievably cruel! Beaten and whipped by Darren's "diddums" face and "Did you really think he would wait around forever?" comment he slunk's off home to mum. One final everlasting heart to heart with Myra mixed with her unique bond with her son and her wisdom that he shouldn't waste his life worrying about things he hasn't done, spurs JP into action once more. Bags packed he legs it to the station in a desperate attempt to get to Craig (He could catch a later train of course and say proper goodbye's or maybe even ring Craig, but shusss it's all for the dramatics!!).
The music swells something chronic. They keep missing each other at the station but eventually two trains part, leaving Craig on one station and JP on the other side of the tracks. There is running and before you can blink two or three times JP is at his side and shouting. Shouting about how ever since they first met in the classroom that time, his life has been nothing but a roller coaster disaster. Craig looks shocked until JP smiles and says but he wouldn't change it for the world. Then there is kissing. Public kissing and even some hand holding as they board the train, with a final return to the original JP. The one we all fell in love with, as Craig tells him he loves him and JP quips "Why wouldn't you?". Exactly. (Thanks BK ;-) )
Craig even has a joke about JP being Steve McQueen in Dublin before neck snuggles, and then the train pulls out of the station and it's without question the start of something immense. In that same vein how frelling privileged have we all been to witness and get to follow the start of that epic story? We love you John Paul McQueen! Why wouldn't anyone? (and book 4 is ready and waiting if you ever come back!).
Back For The End Of Things
Such a high to end the last chapter, but unfortunately the story doesn't end there. No, instead we are ripped back to the pages of Hollyoaks when Niall decides to finally reveal the truth with a blended mix of explosives and general psychotics (Niall has watched The Dark Knight one to many times).
It's a peaceful week in Chester whilst each of the McQueen's are kidnapped by Niall, including John Paul. How this happens, no one has really found out. Presumably JP and Craig are playing a kink filled game of blind mans buff and Craig sneak's out for something like Brussels sprouts for tea, giving Niall the opportunity to steal a blind folded and cream covered JP away from Dublin. When Craig returns to the flat all he is left with is Kylie Minogue, "Got to be Certain" playing away (such a good song and look at the fashion!) which explains while he doesn't do anything. It all makes sense doesn't it? Yeah, we thought so, too.
So with all the McQueen sisters and brother holed up in the creepy church where Niall was abandoned as a baby he calls Myra to St Eustace Church. Where he forces her to pick which of her children must live and which must die. Huh? Yeah well, if you expecting Niall to be anything more than occasionally hot (see picture on right) you are reading from the wrong side of the book and need to head back to chapter one! So Niall plays his game, Myra actually has the cheek to take part and picks Michaela and Tina! John Paul along with Mercedes are the brave ones when they volunteers themselves to die "It won't hurt" he tells Myra. JP is a very clever guy so who are we to argue.
All of that is pretty pointless because Jack and co burst into Church all set for an afternoon of Hail Mary's, Niall, feeling very anti religion, instead blows the place up with the explosives he brought from the local crime store where he also brought the druggie drugs used on Kieron and JP.
With the Church in chaos its a desperate struggle for Myra to find all her babies and get them to safety. Pity the church is so darn old! Because before they know it the floor gives in too and everyone is scatted about in the crypt below. Tina dies in Dom's arms after uttering "How you fall doesn't matter. It's how you land". Unfortunately for Tina she lands wrong, and that's her end "I have been excellent" scene.
Meanwhile JP is walking around with a bashed and severely talced head when he comes across Myra and Niall battling a slab of rock which was supporting a Hogwarts style gargoyle/angel type thing. He helps lift it off Myra (our guy is so strong!) then wants to do battle with Niall for evil he has committed; killing Kieron, all of the exploding church madness and pretty much everything he has done since arriving in the village. Candle stick in hand, he goes to do a Colonel Mustard but Myra steps in and stops them. Then the gargoyle/angel thing falls. Niall pushes Myra clear and gets smooshed himself.
They all make it outside, and everyone falls to pieces when Dom brings out Tina's body. Everyone gathers around and its very sad. Niall, smooshed like Flat Stanley, slides out of the Church and appears as a reflection on the back of the ambulance door...
With Niall presumed dead the family head to the hospital to recover from the worst nightmare to ever afflict the family.
JP, despite his knocks and bumps comes through it look mighty fine in fact some have picked up there hands and have penned dirty hospital fanfic worthy of the grand title Filthy Smoldering Smutt. But our storybook is not smutt (He does look tasty though doesn't he) and JP tells Myra he can't stay around anymore, he needs to go back to Dublin where he is his own person. Niall has already taken so much from him, now his sister. It's just too painful to stick around.
Myra isn't happy but she understands as always. JP speaks to each of his sisters as he says a proper goodbye. Squeezing Michaela he says he will miss her the most *little tears escape* and at this point we vow to always love and support Michaela McQueen (but won't be making her a website). It's hugs and puppies, no really, when JP goes outside some nurses are yapping away like little pups, it's adorable.
So John Paul returns to Dublin and Craig, leaving behind his family but never forgetting his adventures in the most action packed village ever. It's a pity he doesn't go home to wash before he gets on the train-plane although he looks like sex he gets lots of strange looks, ah well, John Paul McQueen will always be one in a million...
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