Idiots Guide to JPC

 

 

Kiwi icon

 

In Brief

In Much Detail

 

 

 

IN Brief

 

 

JP/C in a nutshell

Over the hill, and far away, the gays come out to play.

Craig Dean failed his A Levels so he’s all like holy shit and has to do ANOTHER year at some Hollyoaks school place that Kiwi has forgotten the name of. John Paul McQueen wants to make an impression on Craig the school so sets off the fire alarm and, as a bonus, saves Craig’s arse from the monkey we call Sonny Valentine. Monkey runs away to play football where Craig has odd socks and then gets into a fight with Monkey, which just ends up looking like a cheap porn movie.

 

Anyways, there are these two birds that end up together with Craig and John Paul and the foursome are like YAYNESS but then John Paul is like, shit, I’m gay and tells Craig that he’s in love with him and Craig’s like holy shit and John Paul cries. Then some random dance pops out of nowhere and John Paul and Craig kiss and Craig is like holy shit and John Paul cries. He then tells Hannah Ashword [his bird] that he’s gay and she’s all like FUCK YOU and throws a teddy bear at him and John Paul cries. John Paul is then like fine I’ll flee to Mexico and Craig is like holy shit and stops him. Hannah turns into the most annoying thing on the planet and cries all the time, which annoys John Paul who cries even more. Then John Paul and Craig play football, which ends in a blood bath, and then Snowflake makes an appearance and is considered a legend. 

 

John Paul is now out and proud and then Tinky Winky, aka Spike, arrives and is like I’m totally gay, man and John Paul drools but Craig’s like holy shit and turns gay. Tinky Winky pops John Paul’s gay cherry. Craig just throws hissy fits all the time. Craig then shags John Paul senseless then realises and is like holy shit and runs away whilst John Paul cries. Spike annoys the hell out of Kiwi Craig even more which leads to Craig shagging John Paul some more which leads to this affair which WE SEE TOO LITTLE OF then Craig confesses his love for John Paul and John Paul cries. Craig was gonna dump Sarah [his bird] but instead they go on holiday... to Zante... a PACKAGE holiday... so John Paul cries. Then they get back and John Paul says don't you dare say you're sorry which melts the entire female population and Craig's like holy shit so he gives John Paul a watch. Because nothing says I Love You And I'm Sorry For Causing You To Cry More Than An Average Person Should And For Going On Holiday To Zanta With The Bird I Was Suppose To Dump like a watch... Then Sarah has a stroke of genius and thinks Craig is having an affair and Craig’s like holy shit and proposes. Like you do. And then John Paul’s like WTF MAN but shags him anyway then Sarah doesn’t knock and finds Craig and John Paul in one heck of a hot scene and screams it to everyone downstairs and Craig’s like holy shit and John Paul’s like YEAH WE TOTALLY ARE IN LOVE, WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?! And MUMMY!Dean is like you’re totally banned from the Dog so John Paul cries.

 

Craig then chooses John Paul over Sarah and then asks John Paul to go to Dublin with him and John Paul says yes before Craig even finishes his sentence. They go to the airport but John Paul’s all like kiss me and Craig doesn’t so John Paul cries and leaves and Craig’s like holy shit and is now in Dublin doing something that we don’t care about because he fucking left us to deal with John Paul becoming friends with mono. Bastard. John Paul cries for ONE DAY over the loss of his true love. ONE DAY! Then Elliott ate Mono and we never saw her again. We rejoiced. Elliott and John Paul became the Pirates and pissed Kris off. Then Niall appeared and he's all like "I'm a pathological liar and your long lost brother" but John Paul doesn't care coz he got a text from Craig wanting him to go to Dublin and there was a x at the end which is living proof he still loves him! Then a priest came and Kiwi stopped watching Hollyoaks...

 

 

 

In Much Detail

 

 

 

HANNAH'S BDAY BASH



Sarah: *snogs Rhys' face off*
Craig: *spaz attack*
John-Paul: YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HER!
SarahHaters: Woot.
Craig: WTF?!
John-Paul: *runs like a poof and cries*
Craig: Must follow my true love!
John-Paul: Craig, I love you.
Everyone: Yaaaaaay!
Craig: *twitchs*
John-Paul: *legs it, STILL CRYING*
Hannah: *cries*

NEXT DAY



JOHN-PAUL and CRAIG go to a DESERTED art room that they just happened to know wouldn't be in use for the next 10 MINUTES.
John-Paul: I'm sorry.
Craig: Never say you love me again.
John-Paul: Ok *walks out*
Craig: *on hands and knees* I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO!!
JP/CfanClub: Awwwwwwwws!
John-Paul: Awwwwwwwws!
Craig: Mates?
John-Paul: Mates.
Kiwi: For now. MWA HA HA HA HA HA.
Hannah: *cries*


NEXT DAY

 


JOHN-PAUL and CRAIG are in the dog and John-Paul beats Craig's arse in pool.
Kiwi: *is dirty minded and smirks*
MUMMYdean: Well get changed then!
JP/CfanClub: WE LOVE YOU MUMMYDEAN!
MUMMYdean: *purs*
John-Paul: *panics*
Hannah: *cries*

GETTING CHANGED

Craig: *checks John-Paul out*
John-Paul: *checks Craig out*
Craig: *checks John-Paul out*
John-Paul: *checks Craig out* You always this slow?
JP/CfanClub: *faints*
Hannah: *cries*

 

 

BACK AT THE DOG



JOHN-PAUL and CRAIG are looking extra SEXY in their suits.

MUMMY!Dean: what took you so long? what were you two doing up there?
JP/Cfans: *snicker*
Craig: *panics* NOTHING! I SWEAR, I DID NOT LOOK AT HIS CHEST OR LEGS OR ANYTHING!
MUMMY!Dean: you two look so smart, let me get the camera!

MUMMY!DEAN goes off to get the CAMERA leaving JOHN-PAUL and CRAIG to stand their in what has to be the most AWKWARD silence EVER.

MUMMY!Dean: *has camera* ok, here we go. now, get closer.
JP/Cfans: *giggle*
MUMMY!Dean: Bit closer!
JP/Cfans: *squee*
MUMMY!Dean: Put your arms around eachother!
JP/Cfans: OMFG, OVERLOAD!
MUMMY!Dean: *takes picture* that's the one, wait till i show Jack!
Silence: *is thick*
John-Paul: I'd best go.
Craig: yeah, yeah... *checks out JP's arse* dammit!

LATER ON...


Kris: i'm late, is Jack here?
EMO!Craig: not yet
MUMMY!Dean: You're late.
Kris: shit. sorry. doctors.
MUMMY!Dean: dieing?
Kris: not that I'm aware of.
Will: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Kris: *looks at Craig* what's with the non-fabulous suit?
EMO!Craig: Dance thing at school.
Kris: I remember my dance, snogged this bloke in the toilets.
EMO!Craig: dude, I do NOT need the imagery.
Kiwi: I do.
Kris: what's wrong? you're not thinking of dumping Sarah are you?
Everyone: wtf, where did he get THAT from?!
EMO!Craig: No... it's just-
Kris: It's just that there's someone else.
JP/Cfans: *bow to Kris*
EMO!Craig: We haven't done anything yet. I mean, at all. He's a mate. I mean, they're a mate.
Kris: *is having blond moment and does not notice that he hasn't mentioned SHE* well, it sounds to me that they love you and there's no going back after the L word is out.

KRIS then leaves to actually do his JOB.


THE DANCE

 


Craig: I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay.
John-Paul: *enters*
Craig: *snogs his face off*
John-Paul: YAY!
Everyone: YAY!
Kiwi: PHWA!
xxJP'sGirlxx: Dude, I KNOW!
Hannah: *cries*

NEXT DAY

RandomJP/CFanGirl: OMG IT SAYS NO BALL GAMES!!
Kiwi: *snickers*
Craig: It never happened.
John-Paul: Ok. But it did.
Craig: No it didn't.
John-Paul: Ok... but it totally did.
Craig: SHUT UP!
John-Paul: You want to kiss me again don't you.
JP/CfanClub: *stary eyed*
Craig: *twitches* No! *runs away*
Kaz: *throws shoe at TV screen*
Hannah: *cries*

 

 

THE FIGHT



BOYS are playing football.
Sonny: *annoys the hell out of everyone just by breathing*
Kiwi: GET OFF MY SCREEN, JACKASS!
Kaz: *throws other shoe at telly*
Craig: *hacks out John-Paul*
JPFans: *le gasp* OUR BABY!
John-Paul: WHAT YOU DOIN'?
Craig: *is possessed by demon and punchs John-Paul alot*
JP/Cfangirls: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
John-Paul: I KEEL YOU! *punchs Craig*
John-Paul'sFace: *fucked up*
Craig'sFace: *has ONE small cut on it*
John-Paul: *runs off, crying...again*
Hannah: *cr-*
Kiwi: Oh who cares, seriously...
Hannah: *stil crying* I c-c-care.
Kiwi: *whacks her with a telephone* STFU

 

 

AFTER THE FIGHT



Sonny: *being all buddy buddy with OUR Craig*
Kaz: DAMMIT! I’ve run out of things to throw.
Craig: *actually goes with it*
Everyone: *has lost respect for Craig*
SONNY says something UNIMPORTANT about cage fighting. CRAIG says no so SONNY sulks and plays with his Barbie dolls.
John-Paul’sEarPhones: *nice and snug in John-Paul’s ears*
Craig: John-Paul!
John-Paul: *takes earphones out*
John-Paul’sEarPhones: put us back in, it’s bloody freezing!
Craig: I’m sorry mate.
John-Paul: Mate? Yeah right.
JP/CfanClub: NOOOOOO!! TAKE IT BACK!! TAKE IT BAAAAACK!
Kaz: *throws Kiwi’s shoe at telly*
Craig: *cries*
John-Paul’sEarPhones: So cold…

 

 

 

FAST FORWARD TO NOW



JOHN-PAUL is waiting for SPIKE and ‘bumps’ into SCARYFACE a.k.a. SARAH and CRYBABYALLABOUTME a.k.a. HANNAH.
Hannah: Who you meeting?
John-Paul: Spike.
Hannah: *cries*
Sarah’sMobile: RIIIIIIIIIING
Kiwi: Dude, what a crap ringtone...
Sarah: Craig?!
John-Paul: *looks at Sarah’s phone*
Hannah: So, you and Spike-
John-Paul: Who?
JP/Cfans: Goooooood boy.
Hannah: I’ll do your hair and make-up *laughs*
Nothing: *is funnier than that line*

 

 

CRYBABYALLABOUTME and JOHN-PAUL are in JOHN-PAUL's room where CRYBABYALLABOUTME keeps making weird upset faces.

Kiwi: *is scared*
Hannah: We shall be together again! It's what you want!
John-Paul: But I want Craig.

CRYBABYALLABOUTME says something unimportant about JOHN-PAUL making a FOOL out of her.

Kiwi: Yeah, sure, blame John-Paul...
John-Paul: Hannah, I'm gay.
Everyone: OMFG
JP/CFans: I...I don't think there is a DUH big enough for this.
Hannah: *drops teddy bear and cries*
TeddyBear: DON'T DROP ME, BITCH! I WILL COME BACK AND HAUNT YOU!
Kiwi: *smirks*


JOHN-PAUL. FISHLIPS and SONNY are in THE LOFT. FISHLIPS gives JOHN-PAUL his wages because suddenly the SECURITY people can give out WAGES.

John-Paul: ooo money!
Spike: *enters*
John-Paul: Craig?!
Spike: Can I get a job?
Justin: Talk to me. I is the boss.
Spike: You're not the big cheese, biatch.
Justin: *cries*
John-Paul: Marry me.
Sonny: *is in this scene why?*

JOHN-PAUL and SPIKE so on a SHOPPING SPREE. They rest at THE DOG.

Spike: Discount, perks of the job.
John-Paul: OMFG YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE!
Kiwi: Jesus, why does that turn me on...
Spike: DJ?
John-Paul: Oh...
Spike: Drugs, girls, don't touch neither WHICH MAKES ME GAY!
John-Paul: So, do you have a girlfriend?
Everyone: *bangs head on table*

 

 

TODAY'S E4 EP:



EMOJohn-Paul: *is sipping his tea*
Hannah&Sarah: *enter*
EMOJohn-Paul: I KEEL YOU, HANNAH!
Hannah: Spike's nasty anyway.
EMOJohn-Paul: *twitch*
Craig: *enters*
Kiwi: OMFG IT'S CRAIG!!! HE'S BACK!!
JP/Cfans: *hyperventilate*
Everyone: Who's that?

LATER ON

CRYBABYALLABOUTME, EMOJOHN-PAUL and SARAH are in THE LOFT.
Hannah'sHair: just one brush, that's all i need...

SONNY enters.
Kaz: *throws lamp at TV*
Sonny: I'm a real man.
Kiwi: no comment
Craig: *enters*
Kiwi: OMFG HE'S BACK AGAIN!!!
JP/Cfans: *explode*
Sonny: John-Paul is gay and I hate him for it. it's not-
Craig: STFU!
Sonny: *cries*
Hannah: *says something bad about Spike*
EMOJohn-Paul: STFU!
Hannah: *cries*
SARAH is- I don't actually know WHY she's here but she follows HANNAH

Craig: *walks over to John-Paul*
JP/Cfans: OMG THEY'RE IN THE SAME ROOM AND TALKING!
KressFans: You have issues
JP/Cfans: We do?!
Craig: I'm sorry John-Paul
EMOJohn-Paul: No you're not
Craig: FINE! STUFF YOU! *Gets up*
EMOJohn-Paul: *grabs his... ARM!*
Sparks: *fly*
EMOJohn-paul: Apology accepted but we're not mates.
Craig: YAY!
JP/Cfans: YAY!
Everyone: Seriously, who is he

 

 

 

FRIDAY 13TH APRIL’S episode

 

 

John-Paul: *sleeps*

Spike: *enters and does weird hand thing*

John-Paul: *screams*

Spike: *disappears*

John-Paul: Gotta lay off the weed… *goes unconscious*

 

John-Paul: *is doing sit ups*

Craig: *drools over the sight*

Kiwi: Dude, I know…

John-Paul: Hey…

Craig: *is thinking dirty thoughts*

John-Paul: *puts shirt back on*

Craig: Damn you!

John-Paul: Went on a date with Spike. He dumped me.

Craig: *grinning like a mad man* Shame… you doing anything tonight?

JP/Cfans: *swoooooon*

John-Paul: Nope.

Craig: YAY! You and Spike can fight to the death with music and not make out!

Everyone: yeah, so not gay…

 

At The Dog

Hannah: *is thinking about John-Paul*

Spike: *is thinking about John-Paul*

Craig: *is thinking about John-Paul*

Sarah: *can’t think*

John-Paul: *enters*

Hannah: *pounces on him and kisses him*

John-Paul: *is scared*

Kiwi: Don’t blame him.

Spike: *touches John-Paul’s cheek*

John-Paul: *punches Spike*

JP/Cfans:  Atta boy!

Spike: *twitching on the floor* lipstick.

John-Paul: oh… whops.

 

In the toilets.

 

Spike: Are you getting back with Hannah?

John-Paul: NO! OMG NO EWWWWW!

Spike: She is pretty.

Everyone:…but…I thought… he was… *is soooo confused*

Spike: I love blond, blue eyed DJs.

Kiwi:  Wow, and I thought us girls were picky…

Spike: And I want to kiss you, will you let me?

John-Paul: OMFG yes

SpikeJohn-Paul: *kiss*

Everyone: awwwwww

JP/Cfans: *pop pills*

 

Outside

JOHN-PAUL and SPIKE are talking about PINK and MADONNA FIGHTING.

Everyone: wtf

John-Paul: My sisters could beat Maddona’s-

Spike: *snogs him*

HollyoaksWriters: d’you see? D’you see what we did?! He was going to say arse but we can’t because it’s 6.30 and omg we’re so clever!

Hannah: *sees the snog and runs off crying*

Sarah: *runs off after her*

Craig: *has turned gay*

JP/Cfans: YAY!

Everyone: dude, seriously, wtf?!

 

AFTERWARDS

EMOCraig: *is jealous*

Darren: I’m pretty, oh so pretty!

EMOCraig: *goes to his room to think impure thoughts*

Darren: SO PRETTY!

 

 

 

 

 

MONDAY 16th APRIL’S EPISODE

 

 

JOHN-PAUL and SPIKE have COFFEE! Which is ruined by- no, not CRYBABYALLABOUTME-

 

Kiwi: *faints in shock*

 

But by SARAH and CRAIG…

 

Spike: music, music, music.

John-Paul: Ah, yes, music, music, music, music.

Sarah: Music!

John-Paul: No…just, no.

Craig: *is pretty and yawns*

Sarah: Where you two off to?

Spike: Music.

John-Paul: To mine.

Sarah: Want to come with us?

Spike: music?

Craig: Let them go.

John-Paul: cheers *winks at Craig*

JP/Cfans: OMFG HE WINKED! HE WINKED AT CRAIG!! DID YOU SEE THAT?

NormalPeople: *backs away*

Craig: Why d’you ask that? I don’t want to have to watch them have a snogfest.

Sarah: They’re going out. Get over it.

Craig: I am so not over it, Sarah.

Kiwi: OMFG, HANNAH HAS POSSESSED CRAIG!

Kaz: *throws shoe at TV*

 

 

 

JOHN-PAUL and SPIKE are in JOHN-PAUL’S BEDROOM

 

 

Sorry, I don’t really remember much from this scene except this:

 

John-Paul: *makes out with Spike*

TheMakingOut: *is hot*

Kiwi: *melts*

Mercedes: TEA AND BISCUITS!

John-Paul: *surfaces* no thanks, too busy.

Kiwi: faaaaaaaaar to busy

Things: *getting hot*

John-Paul: *freaks out*

Spike: Music?

John-Paul: Go out? Ok.

 

JOHN-PAUL, SPIKE, CRAIG and SARAH are OUTSIDE… somewhere…

Craig: I HAVE TICKETS!

John-Paul: YAY! I LOVE YOU!

Spike/Sarah: music/what?

John-Paul: I mean, why didn’t you get one for Spike?!

Craig: *wobbly chin* but…i…wibba…

Sarah: Pub?

Spike: *nods* music.

Craig: *cries*

John-Paul: *feels guilty*

JP/Cfans: SO HE BLOODY SHOULD BE!

KressFans: Dude, where’s Kress?

JP/Cfans: Sod off, you’ve had your moment, now it’s ours.

KressFans: *cries*

JP/Cfans: YES! CRY! CRY AND FEEL PAIN!

Kiwi: See, this is what happens when we have JP/C withdrawal!

HollyoaksWriters: *whistle innocently*

 

 

 

 

Errrrr Warren?

 

 

 

Warren: *is incredibly cool and spooky*

Everyone: *shits self*

Warren: Don’t let relationships get in the way of your mates.

Cue: *the couple of doom*

EMO!Craig: If I glare long enough, he’ll blow up.

Spike: *doesn’t blow up*

EMO!Craig: damn

JP/Cfans: damn

Sarah: I like ponies.

Spike: Careers?

Sarah: I want to be a model.

Everyone: shock horror.

EMO!Craig: YOU WILL NEVER BE A MODEL! NEVER EVER, EVER! D’YOU HEEEAR?!

Everyone: *blink*

EMO!Craig: Oh, and YOU SUCK! *points at Spike and storms off*

John-Paul: *runs after him*

EMO!Craig: I’m soooooo sorry, pwease forgwive me!

John-Paul: *melts* ok!

EMO!Criag: it should just be me and you, just the lads.

John-Paul: Spike’s a lad.

EMO!Craig: Don’t kid yourself.

John-Paul: *raises eye brow*

EMO!Craig: I mean, of course he is…

Kiwi: *points and laughs at Spike*

 

EMO!CRAIG is picking out MUSIC from the world’s CRAPPIEST JUKEBOX.

EMO!Craig: Bloody thing isn’t working.

Sarah: Hey.

EMO!Craig: Piss off, I’m THIS close to throwing a hissy fit.

Sarah: *just stands there*

EMO!Craig: John-Paul doesn’t need me anymore.

JP/Cfans: *are already drunk from just seeing Craig on screen* Awwwwz, he doesh, he totallaly doesh needs yoooooou!

EMO!Craig: I can’t compete with [I]that[/I]!

JP/Cfans: Yesh you cans, don’st talk likest that!

KressFans: *are also drunk but from depression*

Sarah: *is useful* Why don’t you ask them what they want to see and you can be with John-Paul.

EMO!Craig: Yay! *walks over to the couple of doom*

CUTS TO WARREN and JUSTIN

JP/Cfans: Are you joking?! What did they go and see?!

RandomMale: *cries*

 

 

 

Just to top it all off:

Hannah: You’re a whiny brat with an alcoholic problem. Nobody loves me cause John-Paul is gay.  Also, my lipstick is making cars stop and I don’t own a hairbrush! *cries*
Nancy: who’s a whiny brat??

 

 

 

 

JOHN-PAUL is looking VERY suspicious in the SHOP so he’s either gonna ROB the place or buy a GAY MAGAZINE.

 

 

 

John-Paul: *is about to rob the shop*

Hannah: *is at the window*

John-Paul: Shit… ok, erm… hide behind a magazine! *grabs gay magazine* oh wait, hang on. *grabs Sneak instead*

Audience: You still look gay…

Hannah: *smiles and walks on*

John-Paul: Oooh, you’re smiling now, you wait!

Kiwi: Ooooo, I’ve trained him so well!

 

SARAH, CRYBABYALLABOUTME and CRAIG are at the McQUEEN house and revising some Shakespeare that no one cares about.

Sarah: One big gender soup.

Everyone: We have soup?

John-Paul’sMobile: BEEP, BEEP, MESSAGE! MESSAGE!!

Sarah: Is that spike?

John-Paul: Who?

Craig: *triumphant*

Sarah: Your boyfriend.

John-Paul: We’re good.

JEALOUS!Craig: *has arrived*

Sarah: What’s he like in the sack?

Kiwi: Freaking sex addict.

JEALOUS!Craig: NO! NO TALKING OF JOHN-PAUL’S SEX LIFE WITHOUT ME IN IT!

Everyone: *blink*

Sarah: put your earphones in.

JEALOUS!Craig: IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME!!!

Audience: Clearly…

John-Paul: I don’t mind talking about it.

Everyone: Shut up.

JPfans: *crack knuckles*

 

JOHN-PAUL, SARAH and HANNAH are in the kitchen whilst JEALOUS!CRAIG is sitting on the SOFA in all his hansom jealousyness. And I should be applauded that I managed to wait half of my post before mentioning that. Because JEALOUS!Craig? Holy. Christ. On. A. Cross. That's all I'm saying.

 

Sarah: Have you shagged him yet?

John-Paul: I’m afraid; he might have more experience than me.

Sarah: It’s ok, we’ll buy you a gay magazine so you can change who you are so you can shag Spike.

John-Paul: Gee, this is doing GREAT for the ego…

 

SARAH and HANNAH come back from shopping, GAY MAGAZINE in hand.

 

JEALOUS!Craig: *twitch*

Sarah: So, you can be either a sporty gay guy, hammer gay guy or the gay guy next door, I think that’s what Spike would li-

JEALOUS!Craig: *explodes*

Hannah: *cries*

JEALOUS!Craig: THIS IS SO HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I’M THE ONE FOR JOHN-PAUL AND WANT TO SHAG HIM BUT I’M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AND SHALL SAY I’M FREAKING OUT OVER MY EXAMS WHEN I’M CLEARLY NOT!!! *end of hissy fit*

Everyone: *blink*

JEALOUS!Craig: *storms out*

John-Paul: Maybe I should go after him.

JP/Cfans: YAY!

Sarah: No. Down boy. Stay. Staaaay. Good boy!

JP/Cfans: Yo, Croyden Facelift… shut up.

John-Paul: Yes, master.

Kiwi: Twat.

 

Meanwhile, CRYBABYALLABOUTME is DROWNING in a pool of her own TEARS.

Kiwi: We watch. We rejoice.

 

 

 

Craig: *waking*

Craig’sBag: Oh, I give up on life. *breaks*

Craig: Awwww, what!?

John-Paul: *is standing outside…a place*

Craig: YAY! MY LOVE!

Spike: *enters and gives John-Paul a HUG*

Craig: OMFG I KEEL YOU!!!

Craig’sBag: damn… I still feel like shit.

 

 

JOHN-PAUL and SPIKE are drinking WATER after their COFFEE

 

Audience: …must be a gay thing.

Jacque: *enters*

John-Paul: SHIT! HIDE! *shields face with hand*

Spike: *raises eye brow*

John-Paul: I don’t want her to know I’m not dating Craig. She knows the JP/C mafia.

Spike: *raises eye brow*

John-Paul: Aaaaaaaaanyways, you come to my house after I revise with my Ex? Yeah?  Cool? See ya! *legs it*

Spike: *raises eye brow*

 

JOHN-PAUL and CRYBABYALLABOUTME are revising whilst MUMMY!McQUEEN and JACQUE do laundry that consists of TURTLE NECK JUMPERS ONLY.

John-Paul: Can you two, like, piss off until half ten?

Jacque: You’ve got someone coming over to shag haven’t you.

MUMMY!McQUEEN: *to Hannah* Oooooo, well, it can’t be you ‘cause you’re already here.

Kiwi: Yeah, sure, THAT’S why…

Hannah: *cries*

MUMMY!McQUEEN: That must mean you’re got a lad coming over.

John-Paul: *claps sarcastically*

MUMMY!McQUEEN: So, who is he? How old is he? What have you done?

John-Paul: *twitch* Just. Go.

 

Meanwhile… SARAH and CRAIG are on the sofa. Kissing. RUN, CHILDREN, RUN!

Sarah: *sucking Craig’s face off*

Audience: *throw up*

Sarah: So, we’ve got the place to ourselves, and don’t worry about Leah because it’s not like we’re going to scar her or anything.

Leah: STFU! BABY NEEDS SLEEP!

Craig: *spaz attack* Sorry. Can’t shag you. You’re not John-Paul. I MEAN! I- erm… yeah, BYYYYYYYE! *runs off*

SARAH lets him go without asking WHY he, of all people, turned down SEX.

Kiwi: It's like a bottomless well of stupid...

 

SARAH then decides to ruin JOHN-PAUL’s life by bringing over DEMONBABY!LEAH.

John-Paul: Oh god. Why- i…why me?!

Sarah: Not listening. Look, I-

Sarah’sMobile: RIIIIIIIIIIING.

Kiwi: Still a crap ringtone.

Spike: *enters*

John-Paul: Fuck.

Spike: *raises eye brow*

John-Paul: They were just leaving. *grabs girls by hair and throws them outside*

Sarah’sNits: *are now on John-Paul*

John-Paul: AAAAAAAHHHH! *pushes Leah out in the process of panic attack*

Spike: *raises eyebrow*

LATER ON…

John-Paul: *is frantically polishing table*

Spike: *raises eye brow*

John-Paul: I’m sorry. I’ll stop.

CoffeeTable:  OH THANK F**K!

John-Paul: I’m sorry. I’m nervous. I don’t know. Erm. *kisses Spike* Hmmm…

Spike: *raises both eye brows*

Kiwi: Wow, he’s multitasking.

John-Paul: Ok. I’m ready.

JP/Cfans: Wait…what?

John-Paul: *takes Spike’s hand*

JP/Cfans: wh-wh-hat are you doing?!

John-Paul/Spike: *walk upstairs*

JP/Cfans: NO! NO YOU DON’T! GET BACK DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!

 

JOHN-PAUL and SPIKE are now in JOHN-PAUL’S BEDROOM.

John-Paul: *takes shirt off*

John-Paul’sLook: Man, I’m full of sexiness.

FemaleAudience: *melts*

JP/Cfans: NO! PUT YOUR FREAKING SHIRT BACK ON!

Kiwi: I never thought I’d hear you say that…

John-Paul/Spike: *on bed*

JP/Cfans: NOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS WAS NOT MENTIONED IN THE SPOILERS! THIS CAN NOT HAPPEN!

JP/Sfans: *evil cackle*

Craig: *is on phone*

JP/Cfans: YES! YES, CRAIG, RUIN THEIR MOMENT! RUIN IT!

Craig: Nah, I won’t call him. He’ll be too busy.

Credits: Rooooooooll.

Kiwi: … still mad?

JP/Cfans: Still homicidal.

 

 

 

 

 

EVERYONE in this soap are ALCOHOLICS

 

so we see CRAIG, SARAH and JOHN-PAUL drinking. Everyone is happy. Except Sarah. Who’s gone Emo.

Craig: TO DOING OUR FIRST EXAM!

John-Paul: Woot!

EMO!Sarah: No woot. My dad is in hospital. Not that you care.

Kiwi: We don’t.

Craig: TO THE POOL TABLE!

EMO!Sarah: *cries*

 

Hannah: *has arrived*

Everyone: Bollocks.

Craig: Oooooo, the ratio at Trinity.

Kiwi: Oh, come on, like he knows what ‘ratio’ is.

John-Paul: I’m gonna go to HCC. I know everything there.

Hannah: I’ll go there too so that… I… will NOT… stalk people… and … learn… stuff.

Audience: Such a great liar.

Spike: *enters* Hey! *snogs John-Paul*

Craig/Hannah: *throw up*

Spike: *is wearing a tank top*

Audience: Ok, ew…

Nobody: *offers him a drink*

Spike: *cries*

 

Spike: Hannah, you have no chance with John-Paul. Ever. For Christ Sake’s woman, HE’S GAY!

Audience: Neveeeeeer…

Hannah: Shouldn’t be worried about me. Should be worried about someone else.

Spike: Enough of the riddles! What are you on about.

Hannah: yeah, he’s in love with Craig, oh, did he not tell you? HARD LUCK!

Spike: *cries*

Kiwi: Hannah, great news, I’ve decided not to kill you in this recap.

 

Craig: Spike, you biatch, why you being nasty to Hannah?!

Spike: I wasn’t.

Craig: Oh, you may do your mind games but I shag John Paul in a couple of days! HA! *legs it*

Spike’sBrain: *is not really there*

John-Paul: wassup?

Spike: WTF?! YOU BEING ALL NICE TO ME WHEN I KNOW YOU DON’T LOVE ME!

John-Paul: *blink*

Spike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, lemme give you some clues; he’s your best mate-

John-Paul: Craig.

Spike: He was your first love-

John-Paul: Craig.

Spike: And his name is called Craig.

John-Paul: *sweating* what?! Who- who told you that? Who? Not true… not at all. *breathing heavily*

Spike: Your lapdog, Hannah.

Kiwi: says the guy who likes to be called Spike…

John-Paul: When did she say this?

Spike: Well, I was talking to her and she gave me this nugget of information.

Kiwi: BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! That’s a first.

John-Paul: It’s not what you think!

Kiwi: *crying from laughter* Nugget of information…

Spike: I don’t want the details.

JP/Cfans: We do.

Spike: I’m gonna be a kid and ignore you now by putting my incredibly groovy headphones on. *does so* LA LA LA LA LA LA.

John-Paul: OOOOOOoooo. FINE! *stops music*

Spike: *looses will to live*

John-Paul: SHIT! *puts music on again*

Spike: *lives*

Kiwi: Damn…

Spike: YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN AND I’LL FLOOR YA! *snogs John-Paul’s face off*

Everyone: Good. Lord.

Kiwi: If that is flooring him, I’d hate to see what killing him is.

 

 

 

 

MUMMY!McQUEEN is clearly not a happy camper

 

JOHN-PAUL and MERCEDES try to cheer her up with COOKIES and a MAGAZINE.

MUMMY!McQueen: I’m not gonna forgive you.

Audience: But… cookies! Why would you turn down cookies?!

JPfans: And John-Paul cookies at that.

Craig: *enters*

JP/Cfans: YAY!

John-Paul: Let’s go upstairs.

Craig: *practically runs up the stairs*

MUMMY!McQueen: Where you two off to?

Kiwi: That’s not till tomorrow MUMMY!McQueen…

John-Paul: My room.

MUMMY!McQueen: But I want to meet this fella of yours.

Craig: *puts trousers back on* Oh… him… y’mean Spike.

MUMMY!McQueen: Who?

JP/Cfans: Goooooood girl.

Mercedes: His new fella.

MUMMY!McQueen: *squee* Let him come over for some dinner!

Craig/John-Paul/JPCfans: No.

MUMMY!McQueen: Yes.

Craig/John-Paul/JPCfans: No.

MUMMY!McQueen: Yes!

Craig/John-Paul/JPCfans: No!

MUMMY!McQueen: YES!!!

John-Paul: No.

Craig/JPCfans: *whistle*

John-Paul: Why you leave me?!

Craig/JPCfans: We’re scared of MUMMY!McQueen.

John-Paul: *pout*

MUMMY!McQueen: YAY!

 

Later on, SPIKE enters and CRAIG is no where to be seen.

JP/Cfans: WHAT!? WHERE DID CRAIG GO?!

RandomMale: *cries*

MUMMY!McQueen: you must be Spoke.

Kiwi: *falls over laughing*

John-Paul: Spike.

Kiwi: Oh no no no no no, he is now officially called Spoke.

MUMMY!McQueen: This is our Mercedes.

Spoke: It’s very nice to meet you both.

Mercedes: Wow, you’re very well trained. Are you always this much of a kiss arse?

Audience: Yes.

MUMMY!McQueen: So, you two are going to stay for dinner.

Spoke: Well-

MUMMY!McQueen: TO THE TABLE! NOW!

Spoke/John-Paul: *high pitch scream and leg it to the table*

MUMMY!McQueen: It’s ok, Spoke, we’re used to homosexuals in this family.

Kiwi: Which is exactly why they all had spaz attacks when they found out about John-Paul.

Audience: *eye roll*

 

DINNER

Craig: *has disappeared off the face of the earth*

MUMMY!McQueen: BABY PHOTO TIME!

Spoke: Fun.

MUMMY!McQueen: Here we go.

Spoke: Awwww, you’re wearing a pink bonnet.

Kiwi: That should of tipped off everyone right there that he was gay.

Mercedes: He had all of Carmel’s hand-me-downs.

Spoke: And who did you have? Cruella De Vill?

Kiwi: He totally got that out of a Christmas cracker.

MUMMY!McQueen: I think, that if I hadn’t put him into a family of girls and given him more male attention, he wouldn’t of turned gay.

Audience: I just... I can't even...

MUMMY!McQueen: Do you have any sisters, Spoke?

Spoke: I’m an only child.

Kiwi:  Figures.

Doorbell: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

John-Paul: CRAIG! *runs to the door*

JP/Cfans: Yay! He’s come back from holiday!

Mercedes: *listening to music*

Spoke: I shall choose the music that get’s played at your hen night!

John-Paul: Get-a-way time! Me and Craig are…erm…. Gonna go upstairs… to… get….CDs…

Craig: yeah…CDs…

JP/Cfans: *squee*

 

JOHN-PAUL and CRAIG are busy upstairs STILL getting CDs whilst SPOKE plays music to MUMMY!McQUEEN and MERCEDES.

Spoke: The best thing for you is S Club 7.

Everyone: Erm…what?

Spoke: Look! I’ll even show you how to dance it! *dances*

Audience: Spoke should be banned from dancing to S Club 7.

Kiwi: Or, you know, he should just be shot in the face.

John-Paul/Craig: *come back down with CDs*

Spoke/Mercedes/MUMMY!McQueen: *dancing*

John-Paul: OMFG!

Craig: *drops CDs* MY EYES! MY PRECIOUS BROWN EYES!

 

JOHN-PAUL and SPOKE are looking at CDs… I didn’t really catch what they were talking about as I was too distracted my JEALOUS!Craig.

JEALOUS!Craig: I’m leaving.

MUMMY!McQueen: Let me get you some casserole.

Kiwi: he’s going home, not on a bloody camp trip for a month.

JEALOUS!Craig: Thanks…

MUMMY!McQueen: Aren’t you going to say good bye to John-Paul?

JEALOUS!Craig: No, it’s ok, he seems occupied.

 

MEANWHILE, JOHN-PAUL and SPOKE are laughing insanely at the CDs that are clearing telling them funny jokes.

Kiwi: This is why you don’t do drugs, kids.

 

 

 

Craig: JP <3 Spike.

Kiwi: You spelt Spoke’s name wrong.

Craig: *crosses it out and starts to have nits in his hair*

Students: *edge away from nit boy*

Craig: FUCK ALL Y’ALL AND THIS POPSICLE STAND!! *storms off*

Sarah: Oooooo, a fly!

Teacher: Oooooo I like flies too, I’ll watch it instead of going after the pupil that just stormed out of an A-Level exam.

 

Door: Ouch, stop bloody hitting me!

John-Paul: I’m coming, I’m coming!

Door: QUICKER, PLEB! I DO BELIEVE I’M GETTING A DENT!

John-Paul: CRAIG! *glomp*

 

AT THE PUB

Steph: I LOVE SPOKE, WHO WANTS TO JOIN MY CLUB?

Everyone: oooo me!

Craig: I HATE SPOKE! WHO WANTS TO JOIN MY CLUB?

Tumble Weed: don’t mind me.

Craig: *cries*

Spoke: I’m off to the loo. *says something nasty to Craig but Kiwi didn’t hear*

Kiwi: Yeah, I was too busy mentally putting Spoke’s body in a deep fat fryer.

Craig: John-Paul! LUFF YOU!

John-Paul: I luff Spoke, sorry.

Craig: Oooooo, we’ll see about that! You gay!

John-Paul: Oh, well spotted.

Craig: *storms out*

John-Paul: You need a new exit, love.

 

The Really Confusing Part Of The Episode: *begins*

Audience: Haaaaaang on…

Craig: JP <3 Spike.

Audience: I’m getting serious deja vu right now…

Kiwi: You spelt Spoke’s name wrong.

Kiwi: You’d of thought second time round he would of spelt it right…

Craig: *crosses it out and starts to have nits in his hair*

Students: *edge away from nit boy*

JP/Cfans: Even I would edge away from him. Seriously. That’s kind of scary.

Hollyoaks Writers: He’s worried and confused, ok, he does not have nits!

Kiwi: Yeah he does, he caught them off Josh.

Craig: FUCK ALL Y’ALL AND THIS POPSICLE STAND!! *storms off*

Sarah: Oooooo, a fly!

Teacher: Oooooo I like flies too, I’ll watch it instead of going after the pupil that just stormed out of an A-Level exam.

Kiwi: I just have no hope for the human race anymore.

 

 

 

Door: Ouch, stop bloody hitting me!

Audience: Poor door.

John-Paul: I’m coming, I’m coming!

Door: QUICKER, PLEB! I DO BELIEVE I’M GETTING A DENT!

John-Paul: CRAIG! *glomp*

Craig: Can I come in? I need a drink. Preferably alcoholic.

John-Paul: When’s it not? We got sherry if you-

Craig: *runs to kitchen and downs drink*

John-Paul: O…k…

Craig: I hate Spoke, he’s so arrogant and big headed and thinks everyone loves him and-

John-Paul: I love him

Craig: *wobbly chin* You do?!

John-Paul: Not as much as I love you.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

Craig: *starts clawing John-Paul*

John-Paul: Dude, stop, that’s just plain scary.

Craig: I keep thinking about you.

John-Paul: Tissue?

Craig: I want you. *sloppy yet somehow still sexy snog*

 

In JOHN-PAUL’s bedroom.

 

JP/C: MAKE-OUT!

JP/Cfans: *are glued to TV screen*

KressFans: *are drowning their sorrows that THEIR MALE MAN HAS LEFT!*

Kiwi: Tehehe…

John-Paul: You sure about this?

Craig:  ENOUGH CHIT CHAT! SHAG! NOW!

JP/C: *do so*

 

WAKE UP

John-Paul: How did that happen ey?

Kiwi: You’re seriously asking that question?

Craig: *gets up and puts trousers on*

John-Paul and CraigFans: Nooooooooo!

Craig: DON’T TOUCH ME FAGGOT!

John-Paul: Who you calling a faggot?

 

13th August

 

 

GayBoy1989: Wubu2
ImNotGay: Had breakie.
ModelBehaviour: Hullo there!
ImNotGay: WTF r u doin ere?
ModelBehaviour: I just popped in to-
ModelBehaviour has been blocked.
GayBoy1989: Aaaaaaaanywayz, we metin up 2day?
ImNotGay: Yuppers, btw, check back pocket coz I no u wear da sam jeans everyday
GayBoy1989: u no me 2 well.
ImNotGay: 
GayBoy1989: Awwwwz, thx 4 da photos… wen did we get thes?
ImNotGay: no clue

 

 

Craig: *is putting shirt on*
Audience: Wait… you mean he was chatting to John Paul shirtless?!
Craig: Yeah… shirtless… *cough*
John Paul: *grabs handful of rocks but only throws one at window and we don’t know what happened to the rest of the rocks*
Window: OWWWW! You bastard, that’s gonna leave a bruise!
Craig: *opens window*
Romance: *is in the air*
John Paul: …sup…
Romance: Fuck you then.
Craig: Why didn’t you just knock?
Window: Yes, John Paul, why didn’t you just knock?!
John Paul: I thought this would be more romantic.
Romance: And I’m back!
Craig: I’ll come down.
John Paul: AHHH NO DON’T DO THAT!!
Craig: *raises eye brow*
John Paul:…erm… I’ve gotta shop for mum. Wanna come over for a sandwich?
Kiwi: Is that what they’re calling it these days?
Craig: Sounds like fun!
Sarah: Hey gorgeous!
Kiwi: Hey.
Sarah: This is very Romeo and Juliet.
John Paul: He certainly has the legs for Juliet.
JPfans: *melt*
Juliet: I don’t really know how to take that…
Craig: You coming?
Sarah: *nods and looks at John Paul*
John Paul: Threesome? Ergh, no thanks. Laters biatches.

 

 

SARAH and CRAIG have POST-IT notes on their HEADS. SARAH’S would of said LOSER but CRAIG thought that would be to OBVIOUS.
Sarah: So, I’m a model, stupid, white but not Kate Moss.
Craig: Stupider than Kate Moss.
Jake: *enters* Sarah, why do you have your own name on your head?
Sarah: I don’t know… why do I?
Craig: I rest my case.
Sarah: You have a case?
Jake: Where’s Steph? I need her to babysi-
Sarah: WE’LL DO IT!
Craig’ But I gotta shag John Paul later.
Jake: What?
Craig: I mean, do harmless things to a bunny rabbit.
Bunny: What…?
Jake: Do it! Do it now!
Craig: Fine, give DEMON!Baby to me.
Charlie: HA! I now own you bi- ooooo, the boom! *

 

5 MINUTES LATER
CHARLIE is knocked out in his ROOM. SARAH and CRAIG are on the SOFA.
Sarah: Lets what a movie and snuggle snuggle snuggle.
Craig: Ergh, do I have to?
Craig’sMobile: RIIIIIIIING RIIIIIING RIIIIIIING
Craig: *hangs up on person*
Sarah: Who was that?
Craig; John Paul.
JP/Cfans: YOU HANGED UP ON HIM?!?!
RandomMaleInAudience: *cries*
Craig: I don’t wanna kiss you so I’ll go and check on the DEMON!Baby.
Craig’sMobile: RIIIIIING RIIIIIING RIIII-I’m getting too old for this…
John Paul’sMobile: You think you’ve got problems, I’m about to be thrown at the floor.
Sarah: *answers Craig’s phone* Trying to steal my boyfriend? Stop stalking us or I’ll call the police!
John Paul: Bollocks, you know?
Sarah: Know what?
John Paul: Nothing.
Sarah: Well, me and Craig are gonna shag on the sofa even though he’s meant to be shagging you. Laters!
John Paul: *twitch* … *throws mobile*
John Paul’sMobile: Told you.

 


Sarah: Lets shag!!
Craig: Ew, no thanks.
Sarah: Fine, go to John Paul’s.
Craig: *nearly in tears of joy* Really?!
Sarah: Yuppers. Just be back before Charlie wakes up.
Craig: And I am gonna know that HOW exactly?
Sarah: JUST GET YOUR ARSE TO JOHN PAUL’S!
Kiwi: She’s learning.

 

 

JOHN PAUL has his HEAD in a FRIDGE.

John Paul: This is John Paul for Sit Up Britain, searching for tuna. *stands up*
Craig: *appears out of no where*
John Paul: *heart attack*
Craig: Back door was open. Wanna shag?
John Paul: Can’t, too upset.
Craig: Kiss me, I’ll make it better.
Kiwi: I hurt my lips!!! Kiss ME better!
John Paul: *kisses Craig on cheek*
Craig: What am I? Your auntie?
Audience: …ew…
John Paul/Craig: *sweet kiss*
Audience: Awwwwwwwwwz!

Craig’sMobile: bloody hell… RIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIING.
Craig: *hangs up on Sarah*
Craig’sMobile: All this yelling, and for WHAT?!
John Paul: Who was that?
Craig: ya mum.
John Paul: *raises eye brow*
Craig: You’re just looking for distractions coz you’re loosing.
John Paul: Just bowl the bunny.
Bunny: …what?
Craig: *gets ready to throw*
Bunny: NO NO NO, DON’T THROW ME! THIS WAS NOT IN MY CONTRACT! GET MY MANAGER ON THE PHOOOOOOOO-WHACK!
John Paul: *hits bunny with frying pan*
Kiwi: This is soooooo something I wanna do before I die.

 

 

Jake: *arrives early* Where’s Craig?!
Sarah: At John Paul’s. Why?
Jake: Because I’m a John Paul/Spike shipper! *storms over to John Paul’s house*
Craig: Do you want the bunny John Paul?
Bunny: *unconscious*
John Paul: GIMME THE BUNNY!
Craig: HAVE THE BUNNY *runs up stairs* MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
John Paul: NO CRAIG BUNNY GIVE ME NOW! *also runs up stairs*
Jake: *enters* Hello?
JP/Cfans: Yes?
Jake: Door was open!
JP/Cfans: Yes, yes, we do that a lot, how can we help you?
Craig: HAVE THE BUNNY! TAKE THE BUNNY! *swigs the bunny around*
Jake: Craig?
JP/Cfans: Who? Craig? No, no, no Craig here.
Jake: Craig? *walks up the stairs*
JP/Cfans: Craig’s not here!!! LEAVE THEM ALONE!
John Paul: WHY DID YOU PUT THE BUNNY DOWN YOUR TOP?
Bunny: *regains consciousness* …what…the…fuck…
Jake: Craig? *near door*
JP/Cfans: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jake: *opens door*
Bunny: *is removed from Craig’s shirt* OXYGEN!! OXYGEN!!!
Jake: What are you doing?
Craig: *gasping for breath* Playing internet games.
Kiwi: I’d like to know what internet games they were playing!
Jake: Sarah is nearly in tears because of you!
Craig/Kiwi: So?
Jake: SHE’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
Craig: Gee, thanks for reminding me…ergh, see you John Paul.
John Paul: Whatever.
JP/Cfans: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT WAS ALL SO NICE!!
Kiwi: Uh oh… Jake, word of warning, sleep with one eye open tonight… and maybe a baseball bat, just to give yourself a little longer to live.

 

I wasn’t paying much attention to this next scene because I got into fits of laughter because the blackboard has nappies written on it.

 

*the boom is the big fluffy microphone that they dangle in the air above the actors. The babies love them.

 

 

The beginning shows DOORS. Many many DOORS.

 

 

 

Handcuffs: OH SO PINK AND FLUFFY!

Calvin: I’m arresting you for being sexy.

Carmel: Perve.

OB: Look. Advert. Cats. Go.

Summer: Oh, I don’t know…

OB: BLOODY GO ON IT WOMAN!!

Summer: If I must…

OB: *heavy breathing*

Robin: I’m pretty, oh so pretty. I am fabulous.

Frankie: You don’t remind me of my son. You’re hired!

Robin: YAY!

Leo: But-But-But- I’m an alcoholic, surely I should be behind the bar.

Frankie: Fine, take you both on!

Leo: *to Robin* bring it, biatch.

John Paul: Oh, how I secretly miss Craig even though I haven’t mentioned his name in 5 MONTHS! Oh, how I miss him, I miss him so- *see Robin*

JP/Cfans: NO! NO! NO!

HarpMusic: *plays*

JP/Cfans: TURN THAT SHIT OFF!

HarpMusic: *is being played by Kress fans*

KressFans: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH HA.

JP/Cfans: No one cares.

KressFans: *sulk*

JP/Cfans:  Bad John Paul. You loves Craig!

John Paul: Who?

JP/Cfans: *cries*

Zak: You is so luvin Robin.

John Paul: But he’s straight.

Zak: *knowingly* aaaah, shame.

John Paul: IS HE GAY, MAN!? TELL ME THE TRUTH?!

Justin: He’s as gay as I am.

Kiwi: My, my, Justin, I never would of thought…

The Lovely Amy [xxJP'sGirlxx]: I DID! I DID! I DID! I DID!

Kiwi: *injects Amy to calm her*

The Lovely Amy: I DID! I DID! I DID! I DID!

Kiwi: She’ll get tired of it eventually…

Robin: I’m gay. You got a problem with that?! Huh?! Punk?!

Justin: No. No. No way. I will not take you on, PatheticExcuseForAReplacementOfCraig.

John Paul: *awe of Robin*

Robin: *total wants to shag John Paul*

Audience: Who doesn’t?

Zak: *finally has a use*

Justin: *feels left out*

The Lovely Amy: I DID! I DID! I DID! I DID!

MEANWHILE, OB went into panic mode because TOM was kidnapped by EMOs and something happened between CARMEL and CALVIN that involved a walky-talky, a police car and a VERY bendy car seat.

The Lovely Amy: I DID! I DID! I DID! I DID!

 

 

If there isn't a date then the huuuge gap means its a new episode

 

 

March 11th

 

Music: Oh-so heavinly!

‘Father’Kieron: Something about Jebus.

Charlie: *is looking uglier by the episode*

Nancy: *looking at photo of Becca*

DADDY!Kiwi: Don’t worry, she’s in The Bill now! You can still see her!

Jake: Oh so crazy.

‘Father’Kieron: Lead me not into temptation.

John Paul: *dreaming of Craig*

Kiwi: So sue me.

Jake: SO CRAZY!!!

‘Father’Kieron: Desires of my heart… *twitch*

Kiwi: The alien inside FK is coming out! A cute little adorable gay alien!

 

Mercy: Oh, woe is me.

‘Father’Kieron: Wassup?

Mercy: Nobody will hire me because I ‘talk to much’, I mean, who in their right mine’s gives that as an excuse, I don’t talk too much I talk the same amount as everyone else on this planet, why should I be treated differently just because I speak my mind it’s not my fault that no one else will stand up to people and I then get slammed for it, I mean, WTF!

‘Father’Kieron: *blink* I’m sorry, what?

Mercy: SAVE MY SOUL, SEXY!

John Paul: Mercy! Down! Sit! Bad Mercy! Very bad Mercy!

‘Father’Kieron:  Jealous much?

John Paul: No… *has secret death plan ready* Anyways, Mercy’s mouth isn’t as big as mine.

‘Father’Kieron:  *spits coffee out* You what?!

John Paul: I don’t go around telling people I fancy a man of the cloth.

Kiwi: They should so stop saying that because a tablecloth is constantly coming into my head.

‘Father’Kieron: *puts hand on John Paul’s*

John Paul: AHHH!!! RELIGIOUS COOTIES!!!! *runs away*

 

MUMMY!Dean: CHARLIE IS GOING TO DIE!!! WE NEED HIM CHRISTIANED OR HE’LL DIE AND GO TO HELL!!!!

Charlie: Gee, thanks.

Jake: HE’S NOT GOING – KILL NANCY - TO DIE!!

‘Father’Kieron: Yo.

MUMMY!Dean: None of my kids believe in God and my son’s gay!

JP/Cfans: ZOMG! CRAIG MENTION!!!

Kiwi: *glares at BK*

BK: *whistles innocently*

‘Father’Kieron: I’ll baptize Charlie, if you want.

MUMMY!Dean: You would?! *glomps FK*

‘Father’Kieron: Did you know their son was gay?

John Paul: You’ve clearly never gone on the Digital Spy forum.

DigitalSpyForumMembers: *proud*

John Paukl: Yeah, he was my ‘friend’.

JP/Cfans: WHAT?! THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GOING TO SAY!?

Kiwi: *glares at BK*

BK: *hides behind newspaper*

John Paul: I’m a magnet to unavailable men.

Kiwi: *glares at BK*

BK: *booking flight to Australia*

HORNY!’FatherKieron: I’m not saying you can’t have me. We need someone to do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.

John Paul: …erm…

HORNY!’Father’Kieron: Don’t ask me to spell it out.

Kiwi: *has image in head of FK in cheerleader outfit* …ew…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tony: Hair back.

Mercy: No.

Tony: Gut those fish.

Mercy: No.

Tony: Peal those potatoes.

Mercy: No.

Tony: Crazy person says no.

Mercy: No.

Tony: *snickers*

Mercy: *eating pudding*

Tony: YOU WHAT!?!

Mercy: Even the Queen has to put up her feet and dunk her Hob Nob.

Kiwi: LMAO! LOVES IT!

 

WashingMachines: *are now therapists*

Nancy: *cries*

John Paul: Erm… I have a towel if you needed to wipe the snot and tears off your face

Nancy: I can’t see Charlie. I have no codes! Justine does though.

John Paul: Then ask him.

Nancy: …oh yeah…

Audience: *face palm*

John Paul: Lets go see him!

 

‘Father’Kieron: Something about Jebus.

Jake: MY SON!

Charlie: Who is this fool!?

Steph: *touches Charlie*

Darren: Er… I…er… what if I drop him?

Jack: He’s in the crib, he’s hardly gonna leap out and commit suicide just because you’ve touched him.

Zoë: I beg to differ.

Darren: *touches Charlie*

Charlie: That’s jumping idea doesn’t sound too bad *is about to leave*

Nancy: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Charlie: You what?! YOU TOTALLY STOLE MY THUNDER, BITCH!

Jake: *spaz attack*

‘Father’Kieron: Peace, man, peace. Nancy, you need to stop crying, it looks nasty, Jake, you need to get a new brain or fucking sleep, man. Think of Charlie!

Charlie: Leave me out of this.

‘Father’Kieron: Stop arguing, leave it to the judge, I don’t care! No one does! So STFU!

Nancy/Jake: *totally just got owned by a Priest*

John Paul: OMG he’s a priest!?!?

Audience: Noooooooo!

 

‘Father’Kieron: Are we alone? Ey? Ey? Hint hint? We ‘alone’? Ey? Ey?

John Paul: No.

‘Father’Kieron: But- I- adda- wibba-

John Paul: We’re never alone! It’ll always be me, you and God.

Kiwi: Ew, religious threesome.

‘Father’Kieron: It’s only a job.

PriestsAroundEngland: *busy writing VERY angry letters*

John Paul: I only just realise that you’re a priest and that that involves God.

Audience: No, surely not, no!!!

‘Father’Kieron: BUT I WANT TO SHAG YOU!!

John Paul: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO SHAG!

Mercy: *in Il Knosh* I hear my calling! To the slut mobile!

‘Father’Kieron: BUT I WANT YOU!

Mercy: Ops, wait, false alarm.

John Paul: I CAN’T SHAG YOU! I DON’T WANT TO BE THE REASON YOU BREAK YOUR VOW! I CAN’T DO IT! AHHHHHHHH!

DADDY!Kiwi: He’s much better looking than him.

Kiwi: Who’s better looking than who?

DADDY!Kiwi: Jebus is better looking that John Paul.

Kiwi: Oh, you are so wanting a death wish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOLLYOAKS CATCHUP SESSION

 

Katy: Iiiiiii'm sooooooo depresseeeeeeed. Iiiiiii neveeeeeeer seeeeeeee Juuuuuustiiiiin aaaaaaanymooooooore.

Zak: Coz he's busy working his ass off on Dancing on Ice, seriously, what do you do on a Sunday night?

Katy: Whaaaaaaaaat?

Zak: He's visiting Charlie in hospital.

Katy: Ooooooooooh.

Zak: *drools*

 

John Paul: RACE TIME! EVERYONE JOIN IN!

FK: ME! ME! ME! ME!

John Paul: No one?

FK: ME! ME! BLOODY ME! ME! ME!

John Paul: Kris?

Kris: No. Me + Running = Death. Soz.

John Paul: Anyone else?

FK: ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!ME!

John No? Ok. *runs on own*

FK: Aw.

Kris: Yo.

FK: Yo.

John Paul: AHHH! NOOOO! THEY'RE BONDING!!!

Race: *only has five runners*

Kiwi: Hmmmmmm...

FK: I IS THE WINNER, Y'ALL!

Dom: I IS SECOND, Y'ALL!

John Paul: I IS THIRD, Y'ALL!

Kris: I IS DEAD, Y'ALL!

FK: Yo, where is Russ?

Russ: *limping* I got viciously attacked by monkeys with pineapples!!

FK/Dom/John Paul: *eye brow raised*

Russ: I sprained my groin.

Kiwi: WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO THOSE POOR MONKEYS?!

Kris: DEAD, I TELL YOU!!

 

SU BAR

Rhys: *happily sipping his beer*

BethBot: Hey.

Rhys: *pitches a spaz* YOU'RE IN PUBLIC! WE'RE STANDING HERE! PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT US! AHHH! THEY KNOW!!

Hannah: Know what?

Rhys: Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all. *hums rocking backwards and forwards*

Hannah: Ooo, John Paul is over there.

Rhys: AAAHHH NO HE KNOWS HE KNOWS DON'T TALK TO HIM HE KNOWS!

Hannah: Freak.

Rhys: YOU KNOW?!

Hannah: *backs away*

BethBot: *has malfunction and blows up*

Audience: YAY!

 

McQueenHouse

FK: But I thought you didn't care.

John Paul: WHEN DID YOU GET OVER ME?!

JP/Cfans: Wow, deja vu...

FK: I'M NOT OVER YOU! *snogs John Paul's face off*

FK/John Paul: *do some 'praying'*

FK: *smells John Paul's hair* Mmmmm Herbal Essence's.

 

EMO!Children: Do our homework, bitch.

Elliot: No.

EMO!Children: Damn. He saw through our masterful plan.

Elliot: My dad was abducted by aliens.

Zoe: O...k...

EMO!Children: PLAN TIME!

 

SxyBoi<3: booooooored

SxyBoiSenior<3: Son?

SxyBoi<3: DAD?!

SxyBoiSenior<3: Lets meet in the creepy forest where no one is ever buried.

SxyBoi<3: kk cyl xx

SxyBoiSenior<3: mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

SxyBoi<3: ... what?

SxyBoiSenior<3: You're still here?

 

ELLIOT goes into the WOODS with only a TIN to protect him.

Elliot: DAD?! DAAAAAD?! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD?!?

Newt: I CAN'T DO THIS! *runs away*

Lauren: You what?! DON'T BACK OUT ON ME! I'LL PUT A CURSE ON YOU!

Elliot: I know what'll help me find my dad! Take my glasses off!

Kiwi: Smart boy.

Lauren: NEWT! GET YOURS ARSE- WHOOPS *falls over and finds feet in ground*

Next: OMG YOU KILLED ELLIOT AND BURRIED HIM!

Lauren: If I was going to burry someone, I wouldn't leave their feet sticking out of the ground.

Audience: *look at Warren and Justin*

Warren: *whistles innocently*

Justin: Oh shut up! I've been dancing for the past 6 weeks, sorry I did such a crap job at burring Sean! Jesus Christ!

FK: Yes?

 

FK: OPEN UP!! PRIEST NEEDS TO TALK!

Kris: Piss off.

FK: Pwetty pwease?

Kris: Fine, wassup?

FK: I just had sex with John Paul.

Kris: Hasn't everyone?

JPfans: WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT OU-

Kris: *eye brow raised*

JPfans: Yeah, you're right.

 

Hannah: *goes to sleep IN HER DRESSING GOWN*

Mobile: WAKE UP YOU WEIRD PERSON SLEEPING IN DRESSING GOWN!

John Paul: HANNAH! I NEED YOU!

Hannah: *melts*

 

Kris: Why come to me?

FK: I can't talk to God about this! I need someone valuable.

Kiwi: *points and laughs at God*

FK: God wanted me to resist temptation and I failed!

Kris: Diddums.

 

Hannah: Why can't you be with him?

John Paul: I can never love anyone like I loved Craig.

Audience: Awwws.

Hannah: You can't ruin someone else's life just because you're in love with your ex.

Audience: Awwwwwwws.

Kiwi: Wait a minute *looks around* Where are the JP/Cfans?

JP/Cfans: *are on a boat called SunsetEnding*

John Paul: I mean I do like him.

Kiwi: *gets the rope*

John Paul: I really really like him.

Kiwi: *begins to pull in the SunsetEnding boat in*

John Paul: But it's all nothing compared to Craig.

Kiwi: *lets go of rope* Good boy.

 

FK: I'm a good priest! I am! I am!

Kris: You keep telling yourself that, JohnPaulShagger.

FK: I'm not giving up God!

Kris: But you'll give up John Paul!? You monster!

 

MCQUEEN HOUSE

John Paul: I can't be with you! They'll burn you alive if they found out!

FK: Sod that. *kisses John Paul's forehead*

JohnPaul'sForehead: Finally, I'm getting some action!

 

MEANWHILE...

Newt: THE BODY IS ELLIOT'S! WE KILLED ELLIOT!

Lauren: Shut up, fool!

Calvin: Body?

Lauren: We were in the woods and found a body.

Calvin: Where.

Lauren: *in The Forbidden Forest*

Harry Potter: AHHH!! EMOS!!! AND CALVIN!!! THIS IS WORSE THAN LORD VOLDEMORT!!!

Hermione Granger: Oh shut up, Harry.

Lauren: Do you know where the body is?

Hermione Granger: Yup. Follow me!

Harry Potter: EMOS!!!!

Ron Weasley: *isn't in this because Kiwi doesn't like him*

RonFans: *grumble grumble* bitch *grumble grumble*

Hermione Granger: Here it is! Enjoy!

Calvin: Sean's.

Newt: YAY!!

Sean: Gee, thanks.

 

Warren: La la la la la.

Police: Dude, totally arrested.

Warren: Dude, nooooo, not again!

Louise: NOOOOO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! IF YOU LEAVE THEN I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ONE DEPRESSING DAY WITH NO MAKE UP AND MESSY HAIR!!!

Warren: Soz.

Louise: NOOOOOOO.

Sean: I'll just lay here and be dead, I don't mind at all.

 

Newt: But Elliot is still missing!!

Lauren: So?

Hospital: FOUND HIM!

Kris: Dude, what the hell did you do?!

Elliot: Went to find my dad.

MUMMY!Elliot: Your dad wasn't abducted. He just left us.

Elliot: What?! But that makes no sense!!

Kris: And being abducted by aliens [i]does[/i] make sense?

 

SOMETHING irrelevant happened with SARAH and THE GREASEMISTER 4000 which was practically SARAH in CRAIG'S shoes but KIWI couldn't be arse to write anything about it because THE GREASEMISTER 4000 scared her too much.

 

 

 

 

 

E4 23rd June 2008

 

Steph: I’ll have a horse and carriage.

HorseCarriagePeople: Er, no.

Steph: Hot air balloon it is!

Max: Er, no.

Steph: Limo?

Jack: Er, no.

Steph: Car?

Max: Er, no.

Steph: Taxi?!

Jack: Er, no.

Steph: Roller skates?!

Max: Much better.

Steph: DRESS TIME! *in PINK wedding dress* I feel like Barbie!

Max: Yo.

Steph: *pitches a spaz and falls on the floor*

PINK!WeddingDress: *rips* You pleb!

Steph: BAD LUCK! BAD LUCK! ONE OF US IS GOING TO DIE!

Max: *glares at BK*

BK: *whistles innocently*

 

Sasha: I’m *sniff* so *sniff* clean *sniff*

Amy: You don’t look like a drug addict at all, I shall let you baby-sit my baby.

Leah: You WHAT!?

Troll/Nige: Wassup Sasha?

Sasha: GIVE ME THE FUCKING DRUGS YOU WHORE!

Troll/Nige: *high pitch scream* HERE YOU GO!

Sasha: SO HIGH!

Troll/Nige: Easy, Sasha, come on, lets go into Amy’s room.

DADDY!Kiwi: Aw, he’s such a nice drug dealer.

Kiwi: What aspect of him drugging her then shagging her is nice?!

Leah: *reaches for needle* Baby. Needs. Drugs. Baby. Needs. Drugs!

Amy/Ste: *enters* ZOMG, SASHA’S SHAGGING THE TROLL!

Leah: Almost… got… it…

Amy/Ste: GET OUTTA MA HOUSE!

Leah: Come on, needle, come to mummy.

Amy: OMG, LEAH! *picks Leah up*

Leah: NOOOOOOOO!!! I WANT THE DRUGS! PUT ME DOWN YOU STUPID FAT COW!

 

Kieron’sBedHair: I’m… too sexy for any gel… too sexy for any gel… so sexy it huuuuurts.

CraigFans: He has stupid hair. Shut up.

John Paul/Kieron: *have no shirts on*
JP/Cfans: WHAT?! WE DIDN'T GET ANY NO SHIRTS!! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! OUTRAGE I TELL YOU!
Kiwi: *glares at BK*
John Paul: Stay!

Kieron: Can’t, gotta help your mum find her long lost son who I’m not living with. Plus Max and Steph are getting married again.

John Paul: Oooooh?

Kieron: Did Craig not tell you?

CraigFans: OMG CRAIG MENTION!!!!! GET THE SHERRY OUT!

John Paul: Why would Craig tell me?

Kieron: *shrugs* Thought you two were mates.

John Paul: Lets go on holiday to Zante!

Kieron: Nah, go with Craig.

John Paul: Why so many Craig mentions? Seriously, you do realise the Craig Fans are gonna be going mental because of this.

CraigFans: *have passed out*

Kieron: I’m a secret McDean fan.

John Paul: …

Kieron: I mean, erm, MY JOB IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU! THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND CRAIG!

JP/Cfans: Oh how I beg to differ.

 

Max: *bashes into Niall*

Niall: Congrats on getting married to Steph. Best man won.

Max: TOO DAMN RIGHT! I BEAT YOUR ARSE!

AT HOME

Niall: *goes all HULK on the coffee table’s arse*

CoffeeTable: WHAT THE-?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!

Sofa: Welcome to my world.

John Paul: Dude, you alright?

Kiwi: Yeah, when Niall is happy, he likes to throw coffee tables at walls.

Niall: I’m fine. *twitch* Why wouldn’t I be? *twitch* I keel you! *twitch* I’m fine. *twitch*

John Paul: *gulp* I’m… just gonna… start… cooking… over here… away from you…

Niall: *is too close to the knives* Oooo what you cooking?

John Paul: Fish and potatoes in manner of poshness.

Niall: Lets play video games! I KEEL YOU!!!

CoffeeTable: *is better now*

Kiwi: *eyebrow raised*

Kieron: *enters from his Godly drunken duties*

John Paul: Wassup taller, fatter, crap version of Craig? I’m sorry for being such a bitch in the bedroom. I should appreciate that you’re a McDean fan. I cooked us a meal, which is surprisingly not burnt seeing as I’ve been playing video games instead of actually checking the oven.

Niall: GOD HATES YOU, KIERON!

Kieron: Gee, you think?

Niall: I’m off to plan more evil plans.

Kieron: Should we ask him to eat with us?

John Paul: Nah, I only put enough poison in for you.

Kieron: What?

John Paul: I’m going to poison you.

Kieron: I don’t understand.

John Paul: Forget it.

Kieron: *drools* I like beans!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kieron: Do my laundry, boy!
John Paul: …
Kieron: Cook my dinner, boy!
John Paul: …
Kieron: Come back so I can blackmail you into marrying me, boy!
John Paul: …

Kieron: Smoothies. Marrage. Given up the church for you. Stag do. McQueen sisters and jail. Given up the church for you.

John Paul: I this I may of made a mistake.

Audience: Oh well done.

Craig: Yo.

John Paul: Oh. My. God. Stubble. Tan. Hair. Clothes. Oh. My- *collapses*

GuyFans: Dude, I KNOW!

Craig: Well. My work here is done, best go see the family.

John Paul: PLEASE! TAKE ME WITH YOU! HE HAS MY CAPTIVE!!!

Craig: *sexy blinking*

John Paul: I mean… want some company?

Craig: Ohmygod YES!

JohnPaul’sMobile: *is forgotten about*

DADDY!Kiwi: Poor mobile.

MUMMY!Kiwi/Kiwi: *slowly back away*

 

John Paul: How’s Dublin?

Craig: What’s he like?

John Paul: Who?

JP/Cfans: Exactly.

Craig: David Beckham. Who d’you think?

John Paul: Tall.

Kiwi: *falls over laughing*

Craig: What happened to the dark and hansom bit?

John Paul:  Oh. Yes. That too. *shifty look*

Craig: Everything will be groovy. We used to argue all the time and didn’t talk to each other for a year but I’m sure everything will be fine with you and no one will kill Kieron and make it look like suicide.

John Paul: …

Craig: Drink?

Darren: Craig had colonic irrigation and John Paul shagged a priest!!!

John Paul: *quite interested* Colonic irrigation?

Craig: *disgusted* A PRIEST!?!!? DUDE, WHAT THE HELL?!

John Paul: It didn’t happen over night, I still love you, I mean, erm, yeah, he’d left the church so we weren’t doing anything wrong.

Craig: I don’t care, its non of my business, no worries.

John Paul: But. But. I want drama! I want people to be disgusted by my relationship! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE WORLD?!

Craig: Erm… do you love him?

John Paul: *runs away*

Craig: DO YOU LOVE HIM!!!!

John Paul: *fingers crossed behind his back* Yes, I love him. Sorry.

Craig: Don’t say sorry. Me thinks its huggle time.

JP/C: *snuggle huggle*

JP/Cfans: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWS!!!! *to JPK fans* THAT’S REAL LOVE THERE, BITCHES! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

JP/Kfans: We got a shirtless shower scene.

JP/Cfans: *grumble grumble* we want a shower scene *grumble grumble*

Kieron: *turns into a fish*

John Paul: Aww, [I]shit[/I].

Kieron: Forget something?! *throws mobile at John Paul’s face*

John Paul: MY MOBILE!

JohnPaul’sMobile: Don't give me that 'MY MOBILE!' shit. You so left me there! Don't even touch me. Did you know that when you left he tried to eat me!?

 

 

Craig: Why didn’t you run after him?

John Paul: I would but I can’t be arsed.

Craig: Fair enough. *lifts leg onto seat*

GuyFans: *melt*

John Paul: Its not like there’s anything going on…

Sparks: FLYING! FLY, GO CRAZY, WE’RE CRAZY FLYING SPARKS!

 

Craig: *has bought a bright green can* John Paul! My love! Why are you upset? Have you broken it off with Kieron?

John Paul: Yes.

Craig: Damn. Wanna shag?

John Paul: But he’s given up so much for me.

Craig: *sighs* Do it now or it’ll be too late. Get it? Too late? Hint hint?! Too late?! Like for us?! It was too late?! Ey?! Ey?!

John Paul: I’ll got and talk to him, wish me luck.

Craig: No. Shan’t.

 

John Paul: *getting dishes out like a good housewife*

Niall: Wassup?

John Paul: Kieron’s getting us pizza.

Niall: WHAT?! AND NOT ME?! I KEEL YOU!

John Paul: *blink*

Niall: I mean. Erm. *runs*

Kieron: I have pizza.

John Paul: Look,  Kieron, I’m-

Kieron: I DON’T WANT TO TALK! I JUST WANT TO EAT!

Kiwi: God, I feel so sorry for that pizza.

 

Kieron: Are you still in love with Craig?

John Paul/JPCfans: You’re seriously asking that question?

Kieron: Yes. Do you or don’t you?

John Paul: *through gritted teeth* No.

Kieron: Prove it, boy.

John Paul: What the-? How?!

Kieron: Marry me. Next week.

John Paul: *silence*

Silence: Yeah, that’s a no by the way, dumbass.

Kieron: *cries*

 

 

Kieron: *is watching porn on his phone in his boxers*

Audience: Ew.

JakeFans: OMG ZOOM IN! ZOOM IN!!! LEGS! *explode*

JohnPaul’sDuvetCovers: SO PINK AND BEAUTIFUL!

JohnPaul’sMobile: I don’t even know why I’m going to announce you have a text CAUSE YOU LEFT ME, YOU ASSBAG! He actually had turkey basters and a big pot all ready for me!

TextFromCraigy: Did I get you into trouble with Kieron? Oh, how am I kidding, I hope you made him cry. Call me!

Michaela: Ooooo big breakfast all for me!

Myra: No, its John Paul’s thank-you-for-wearing-a-grey-vest breakfast.

John Paul: Damn straight.

Michaela: I’M NOT GIVING YOU YOUR OLD ROOM BACK! ITS MINE, I TELL YOU! MINE!

Myra: So what happened?

John Paul: Craig.

Myra: WHAT?! NO!!! I JUST TURNED INTO A JPK SHIPPER, YOU CAN’T JUMP SHIPS NOW!

Michaela: Kieron was well dishy, Craig’s got a prune face.

GuyFans: *sharpening pitchforks*

Myra: THAT’S IT! MICHAELA GETS YOUR BREAKFAST!

John Paul: *wobbly chin* But… but… mama… beans…

Kieron: Beans?!

 

Kieron: I’ve made contact with Niall’s- I mean, you son’s adoptive mummy. I’m going to see her.

MUMMY!Niall: Mathew was so lovely. He walked many miles to save the cat.

Audience: Who the hell is Mathew?!

-

John Paul: I’ve tried to contact Kieron but I think he’s found a buffet so I won’t be able to contact him for the next couple of days.

Michaela: DO I LOOK GAY?!

John Paul: Yes. You’re butch.

Tina: MAX’S BUM IS SORE!

PeopleEatingInRestaurant: *throw up*

-

MUMMY!Nial: Here’s a photo of Mathew with his girlfriend. She’s so beautiful.

Picture: NIALL AND STEPH!

Kieron:  Which one is Mathew? Wait a minute. ZOMG its Niall. Ooooooh, crap, I’m so dead.

Camera: *vooms in to Kieron’s eyes where you can almost see Kieron’s dead body float in them*

JohnPaul’sMobile: CRAIG IS CALLING!

John Paul: *glances longingly at phone*

JohnPaul’sMobile: Don’t give me that look, you Judas.

BK: This is nothing! Now comes the drama!
DIZZY!Audience: What do you mean NOW?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Craig: *with a huge bag of After Eights*
Kiwi: *gags*
Craig: *sees John Paul doing his now legendary arm gestures* AH!!! I MUST NOT BE SEEN WITH AFTER EIGHTS! I MUST BLEND INTO BACKGROUND! *pins self against window*
John Paul: *goes inside Il Nosh*
Craig: My disguise as a window worked! Beat that Kieron!

Kieron: *to Niall, wearing possibly the worst outfit to die in, seriously, could that shirt BE any oranger?! It’s like he’s been Tangoed* Your real mummy is Myra.
Craig: Aw shit, ok, you won this round with the secret thingy but THIS ISN’T OVER!!!!! AT LEAST I BLOODY LIVE! HAHAHAHAHHAHA *insane laughter, rocks backwards and forwards*
Kieron: *to Niall, still wearing a terrible shirt that looks like the offspring of one of Craig’s cardigans and a Wotsit* I repeat, I know you don’t know this and would never have wanted to know or stuff but Myra is your long lost mummy!
Niall: Really?
Kieron: OMG YOU KNOW! YOU DIDN’T FLINCH, THAT’S HOW I KNOW!
Niall: Calm down, love. Here, have a non-spiked beer.
Kieron: YAY! *drinks*
Meanwhile…
Craig: *knocks on door*
John Paul: *opens door*
Kiwi: Its pure genius, isn’t it. Its like Kieorn wrote the fucking stage directions.
John Paul: Wassup?
Craig: Well…
Audience: *look at Craig’s crutch*
Craig: *rapes John Paul’s face*
John Paul: AHHHHH! AT LEAST BUY ME DINNER FIRST!
Craig: NO TIME! I KEEP THINKING ABOUT YOU! WHETHER YOU LIKE COFFEE, WHETHER YOU LIKE MUSIC, WHETHER YOU’RE SLEEPING, WHETHER YOU STILL WEAR THOSE FRILLY PINK UNDERWEAR, YOU’RE IN MY HEAD!!!
Kiwi: Ah, so the stubble does indicate insanity.
John Paul: I’m sorry, what?
Craig: *rapes John Paul’s face AGAIN*
John Paul: Dude seriously, cut it out!
JPCfans: NOOOOOOOOO!!! COME ON!!! WE’VE BEEN WAITING A YEAR FOR THIS!
Craig: Say you don’t want me. Say it.
John Paul: Er…
Craig/John Paul: *make out*
Make Out Session: LASTS 2 SECONDS!
JPCfans: *speechless*
JPKfans: BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! WE GOT A SHOWER SCENE AND YOU GET FUCK ALL!
JPCfans: At least out characters are still alive.
JPKfans: NO! NO! HE DOESN’T DIE! HE COMES BACK TO LIFE AS A GHOST! HE DOESN’T DIE, HE JUST ENDS UP IN HOSPITAL AND THEY GET MARRIED IN THE HOSPITAL AND HAVE LITTLE WEIRD BABIES!!!! *rocks backwards and forwards*
Kiwi: *glares at BK*
BK: For once, I actually had nothing to do with that, that’s them on their own accord.
Audience: My. God.
Kieron: *slowing starting to die but not as slowly as Becca did which actually led Kiwi to start screaming at the TV “DIE ALREADY!”*
Niall: Wanna hear my confession?
Kieron: I think I need help.
Niall: To be honest, you’re a hopeless case, even before now. Anyways, I killed Max, I pushed Tina and now I’m gonna kill you.
Kieron: *blinks and collapses*
Niall: Surprise!!!
Kieron: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!?!
Niall: Killed you, dumbass.
Kieron: *vomits*
Niall: Ew.
Kieron: *dies in a pool of his own vomit*
Niall: *texts John Paul from Kieron’s phone minutes after Kieron dies*
SmartArseAudience: But… the police won’t think its suicide if they compare the time of death with the time the text was sent coz they’ll know there’s a couple of minutes difference and-
BK: *gases audience* SHUT UP!
John Paul/Craig: *after sexy time* I wub you!
JP/Cfans: Awwwwwwwwwwwwws!!!!!
John Paul/Craig: *about to kiss again*
JohnPaul’sMobile: Sorry, I know I’m gonna get killed for this but Niall’s sent you a message from Kieron’s phone pretending to be Kieron.
John Paul: Shit, Kieron’s sent me a text. Must see him to check that he hasn’t done anything stupid.
Kiwi: Must. Restrain. Self. From saying. Snarky. Comment.
Later…
John Paul: *enters flat* OMG SOMEONE KILLED A FAT TRAFFIC CONE! Oh, wait, its Kieron.
JPKfans: *glare at BK*
BK: *rolls eyes* John Paul, please spark some sort of emotion.
John Paul: I can cry but that’s all I can do.
BK: That’ll do. CRY!
John Paul: *cries and hugs Kieron whilst trying to avoid the vomit all over his fabulous shirt*
Readers: *glare at Kiwi*
Kiwi: I’m sorry but I just cannot get over how freaking orange that shirt is!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ExtraFromTheBill: If you hear NIALL or see NIALL or know NIALL or anything, espically if it has anything to do with NIALL then give me a call *hands card*
John Paul: *is hypnotised by Kieron’s shirt*
Kieron’sBody: *gets zipped into bag*
John Paul: *out of trance* What, what the, what happened to the light?
ExtraFromTheBill: He’s dead.
John Paul: No shit, Sherlock.



Niall: *at Steph’s door*
Steph: Want a beer?
Niall: AHHHHHH!! BEER!!! NOOOO!!! YOU KNOW!!! YOU KNOOOOW!!!
Steph: Know what?
Niall: Erm...
Niall’sPhone: *ringtone is The Man I Killed by Nofx*
Niall: Yes?
John Paul: YOU KILLED KIERON YOU BASTARD HOW DARE YOU! AND WITH BEER!!! YOU KNOW HE CAN’T SAY NO TO BEER YOU PSYCHOTIC HAIR CUTTING BASTARD!
Niall: *bad acting* Er, yes, ok, oh my god, it will all be OK. I will find you.
John Paul: WHAT?! THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID!!! YOU COME NEAR ME AND I’LL-
Niall: *hangs up, turns to Steph* Kieron’s dead.
Steph: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP DYING ON ME?! *hugs Niall*
Niall: Oooo, shit, forgot I keep killing your people.
Steph: What?
Niall: I mean, *cough* I’m so sad… *evil grin*
Later…
Steph: *opens door*
Craig: *bottle of wine* SURPRISE!!!!!
Steph: Kieron’s dead.
Craig: Gee, way to kill the mood.
Niall: *has a key to the McQueen household*
Kiwi: Hmmmmmm… *raised eye brow*
McQueenHouseHold: *has no lighting whatsoever*
John Paul: *walks into house in a trance*
Niall: *clearly used that light thing Will Smith uses in Men In Black*
MUMMY!McQueen: *mouth wide open, snoring*
Kiwi: *glares at her mum*
MUMMY!Kiwi: I AM NOT THAT BAD!
DADDY!Kiwi/Brother/Kiwi: Yes you are.
MUMMY!Kiwi: *throws slippers at us*
John Paul: Mother, wake up, some awful thing has happened that does not involve Niall who is not your long lost son.
MUMMY!McQueen: *throws chips in the air* WHAT?!!?!
John Paul: Kieron died…
MUMMY!McQueen: Oh noes! OH NOES, MY CHIPS ARE ON THE FLOOR!
John Paul: You haven’t heard the worst part… he was wearing an orange shirt.
MUMMY!McQueen: Oh, that poor boy… he never really did well with clothes, did he…
Niall: *turns dial on back of John Paul’s head*
John Paul: *laser beams shoot from his eyes, exploding the ‘china’ Dalmatian dog*
Audience: HURRAH!
Niall: Shit, set him to ‘stun’. *sets him to cry*
John Paul: Oh, mummy! *cries*
Niall: My work here is complete, now to shag Steph and meet with the explosion and pigeon man.
Audience: Wha?
Niall: It’ll make sense in October.
While ROBOT!John Paul is crying…
Craig: I DON’T CARE, DID HE DIE BEFORE I SHAGGED JOHN PAUL OR AFTER?! I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!
Steph: Dude, totally don’t know.
Craig: AHHH! I NEED TO KNOW! IF ITS AFTER THEN ITS BECAUSE OF US! IF ITS BEFORE THEN ALL IS GROOVY.
Steph: Er…
Craig: I MUST FIND JOHN PAUL!
ROBOT!John Paul: I. Cannot. See. You. Any. More.
Craig: Er, what?
ROBOT!John Paul: It. Is. All. My. Fault.
Craig: *blinks*
Niall: *hidden behind bush with remote control* Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Steph: Niall?
Niall: *high pitch scream*
Steph: Look, there’s John Paul and Craig, let’s go up to them and separate them like good siblings.
Niall: I AM NOT RELATED TO HIM!!! AHHHHH!
Steph: *blinks*
ROBOT!John Paul: I. Will. Self. Destruct. In-
Niall: Come on, John Paul, come on, let’s get you away from the mean boy who is going to totally ruin my totally awesome plan.
Craig: I’m- adda-wibba- what the hell just happened!!!???
Kieron: *still dead*
Kieron’sDeathShirt: *still orange*
Wotsits: *want their clothing range back*

- Kiwi

 

 


 

 

 

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For a more concise/truthful/more accurate breakdown of JP and his storylines check out the Timeline Page. (its also the place where you can watch all of the above)

 

 

 

 

 

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